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Everything. How many friends have been gained, and even then, lost in the past 3 years? Over 100. It's hopeless to even try anymore. i just don't get it all.

The previous night, i had called my friend, and he had told me he would call me back the next day since he was busy packing. my heart is aching even thinking of this s**t.. And the day before that, he said he was going to hop in the shower, and text me when he got one. This day, not a word. Around 7 or 8PM, my father wanted to take us out to dinner since he wasn't in the mood for making it.

my phone had died from talking to one of my friends today. [i'm sorry, Ethan..] i began charging it around 6:30PM, i had a choice to make. 1] Take the phone, only half charged in making sure i wouldn't miss a call or 2] leave it home to charge, risking a missed call. .. i left it. The only thoughts running through my head: No one will call anyway.. He CAN'T call.. He doesn't WANT to call.. HE WON'T call.. And i know for SURE no one else will..
i left it. Came back around 9:30PM.. No calls. No text messages. Nothing. That ********' moment i knew i was worthless. Noone cares even to talk to me anymore. Past friends?? NOTHING! Just a few minutes ago i went through my whole list of email addresses, screennames, and whatever else you can think of, deleting the people who just suddenly stopped talking to me, hate me for reasons THEY don't even know OR remember, people i havn't talked to in over a year, whatever the case may be. i had deleted over 50 people. That's. not. right.

And as i went through all those people, i kept thinking of all those good times we've had together, and what the ******** i did to ruin it all, what i did to screw it up for myself. They never cared. The people i actually still CAN talk to, i have to call/message them first to get them to. They never cared to speak to me on their own. i'd die, and they wouldn't notice. Even now as i sitting silently on the phone with another friend whom i had to ASK to call me, i can't trust HIM to notice. He calls. He asks what's wrong. Nothing. What happened? Nothing. Exactly. Nothing happened. That's what's screwing everything up. Noone is doing anything. Nothing is going on. Noone cares. Nothing. Are you sure? Yeah.. All i can think: Please don't believe me, please.. i can only assume that he did..

More moments of silence, i'm looking through my past journels.. i go to the very first one i've made.. And break. Out. Crying. No, i'm not crying.. i only stabbed these damn scissors in my eyes.. He asks if i'm hurt.. HA!.. With tears streaming down my face, i nod.. And say No.

WHAT THE ******** IS SO WRONG WITH mE THAT EVERYONE HAS TO HATE. mY. GUTS?!?!