Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

He was a nice guy, older, beautiful, intelligent, and kind. Even if a little possesive. Surely I would be a fool to pass this one up. We were together a long time and things remained sweet, but never passed that point. We separated when I moved away. Thinking the distance would do us no good.

"You stupid girl!" He yelled at me, and pushed me hard against the brick. "why can't you see! Why can't you see! I came here for you. Just for you, and you don't appreciate it at all" His face was red with furry, this argument was not a new one, and I wondered when it would stop. The blow that landed hard across my face was not so unexpected, but hurt none the less. He left as angrily as he'd come.

"How could something that started out so good, go so wrong?" I asked her as she ran her fingures through my hair. She looked thoughtful for a moment and replied "Perhaps you were not made for men, it seems you bring out the worst in them. and as for the good turning bad, let me give you some addvice, if you choose to set your expectaions high...or rather set them in place at all you can be faced with a hurt deeper than you should bear when they are broken. If you set no expectations at all...you can not be disappointed. The same is for trust, if you give no trust, your trust can not be broken either." She said this a hairs breath away, her Scarlet lips almost touching my ear. Then with a breath of a goodbye she left me alone in my room to think on this. Never again. I promised myself. Never again will I let my gaurd down.



The night air was cool against my skin, but you were warm and solid against my back and chased all the chill away. Your thumbs absently carressing my shoulder. I relaxed back into you and felt the gaurd I held so tightly around me faulter. When did I let you get so close. Never again the words spoken to myself so long ago called out from my thoughts. I heeded them and ran.

"Words are fine. Words are safe. I can still speak with him." and it was fine, was safe for a while. Until one afternoon when a chanced a glance back at you, and you smiled at me in such a way that shattered my defenses. I had to get away from you, before I corrupted you as I always seemed to do with those I let get to close.

A moth to a flame: I could't stay away from you. Never had I been so truely perplexed. What was it about you that pulled me so. I could not grasp why I would abandon the safety of being so numb as I was. Perfectly apathetic. Untouchable.

Not so much an offer as an expression of emotion, of confusion, that was not so unlike my own. You sat across from me telling me, at least partly, what was on your mind. And I froze, not knowing what to do. You would surely have expectations. Never has someone quite like you sought after me. I did not know what to do. What if I let you get closer? What if your idea of me was something I could not live up to? What if I let you down? What if I made you turn out like everyone else? What if I let you get close, and you hurt me? No, risk is to terrifying, for surely you were above standards. Anyone who can give you expectations can cut deep.

I pushed you away.

Again, a pull. "Just words, words are safe." ...but not those read quietly, with slight insecurity, from the pages of one of my books. The way you looked at me made me feel beautiful, made a smile appear on my face... or maybe the look is not there, maybe its just the bloodloss. But kindness is there, never has someone been so kind to me as you. Who could deserve such a man? I mused to myself. It was a sweet thought, turned to sadness when my own voice, and hers, replied with a simple "not you." Surley I had hurt you in my indecsivness. My pushing you away, then inching closer just to listen to you talk again, to see you smile. "not you"

I needed to get away. Confusion and emotion threatened to overwhelm me, to swell over the amount that I could control. Too much stress I told them, I just need a little break. And they let me go. ----- While saying goodnight to you all the night before I went home, the same way we always said goodnight. A smile and a quick embrace. But yours lingered. This was just enoguh to break what little reserve I had left. Tears flowed freely down my face , no matter how I wished them to. stop, and you didn't let go. I wanted you so badly, and wanted you to feel what I felt. Why are you so good to me? Surely I don't deserve it. I pulled myself away after leaving a kiss, likely wet with tears, on your cheek. I should have never let you see me cry. You create such weakness in me.

You did not say hello when I came back. It stung deeper than you know. You weren't mine anymore, if indeed you ever were. I didn't say a word. I had pushed you away in the first place, I had no right to pull you back now. Someone else thought differently so I ended up telling you that I wanted to be with you. Too late I already knew. I saw the way you looked at her.

I was still helplessly drawn to you. You did not talk to me for the longest time. How that hurt. And when you finally did start speaking to me again, it was with a coolness a distance, not how we used to be. but we got there again, eventually.

You sat down in a chair beside me, and that day I found it so terribly difficult not to reach out and touch you. I reminded myself that you were not mine.

I was a wreck. I spent hours trying to look my best, still not content I gave up. It was raining hard that day and it ws likely that all the work I had done would be gone the moment I stepped outside of the door. I walked up to were everyone was already gathering a bundle of nerves. It took all the effort I had to keep myself from shaking. I waited for what seemed like the longest time to see if you were going to show. You had said that you might. but as time went on I gave up and got ready to leave...just to see you walk in the door. My nerves doubled in their effort to tear me apart. I felt more self concious then than i think I ever have before.

I was so nervous, so unexpectedly wrecked. I was shaking, I figured that you could probably feel it. All it was, was a dance. Just one dance. I had danced with other people all night and been fine, and yet this threatened to tear away my defenses...again. It had been so long since we had been anywhere near this close. I think you must have felt my angst because you looked at me and told me that we were okay. I did not feel okay, but I smiled anyway. This dance ment more to me than you realized.

You left two days later, and I was sure that I would never see you again. Maybe I can get on with things, I kidded myself. "Why do I feel this way? How can I miss something that never was in the first place?"