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Ok this entry is a long explaination of basically why I am who I am. If you don't wanna know, you can go away now. Of course Jenni, you're probably the only one that WILL read this, and I think you're interested, so here we go.

I should first explain, I used to be a very devoted Christian. A few years ago I went on a mission trip. In case you don't know, it's a trip to spread the word of God. My trip was to Thailand, since I pretty much love Asia in general. On this trip I met a girl named Amanda. She was pretty much my dream girl, but I couldn't say it at the time. So I pretty much hung out with her as much as possible any time I got the chance. We got close and became good friends. She had a lot of drama on the trip that I helped her through, and she came to really kinda rely on my support. Unfortunately after the trip we went back our seperate ways. She lived in Ohio, and I lived in Texas. We gave each other our info before leaving and kept in touch after the trip. She had a lot of drama at home too, and I still was there for her and helped her through what I could. It hurt cause I really wanted her, and she kept talking about this guy that was hurting her cause she liked him and he was blowing her off. I eventually got to talking about the trip some more with her, and accidentally mentioned how I used to pretty much follow her around. She said she hadn't noticed. I asked her how that was possible, and she told me that she had basically done the same thing, so that's why she didn't notice. Things went a little further and soon I told her I loved her. She was a bit surprised, but she searched her heart and she knew that she'd felt it too. She told me she loved me too and ditched the who'd basically already ditched her.

It was an amazing relationship and I loved her very very much. After I graduated, I moved up to Ohio to be with her, and though her family somehow hated me, we managed to stay together and completely in love. I unfortunately couldn't hold a job for the life of me, and I slowly ran out of money. I ended up owing the bank a couple hundred before I called my parents and told them I'd come home if they'd cover my debt and my gas on the way back. So I came home. Both of us were pretty torn up about it, but we still loved each other, and did what we could to hold it together. A while later I'd tried to save up enough money to go see her over the summer. I applied to be a counselor at this Christian camp that I'd always loved. I was there 2 weeks before she started to get really lonely. Cell phones don't really work out there, so we didn't get to talk much. She started to hang out with some people that I didn't entirely trust. I figured out later that they smoked and drank, and that she had done some of both herself. My family has been torn apart by smoking, alcohol, and drugs, so I got pretty upset and started to kinda freak out about it. The more we talked about it the more upset I got. She tried to defend herself so we started to fight. We faught more and more and more. Things slowed down, and it finally happened. Keep in mind I was working at this camp so I could afford to go see her in a month. The reason for the money wasn't just gas, but an engagement ring. I'd intended to propose to her during my visit. I found out at the end of the first month out of 2 that she'd cheated on me. She told me the night after it happened and left me that same night. I fortunately hadn't bought the engagement ring.

So after all that I became suicidal and ended up in a hospital. I left a week later on 3 medications that didn't really help anyways. They never do. I was still extremely depressed and wanted to die. I just wasn't gonna do it myself. The great thing is, she still talked to me. She kept me ******** up, but I didn't want her to go anyways. But now she's gone... I haven't heard from her in... I think a month now... That's the basic heart break story. There's more to it, but that serves as quite a summary, so I'll leave it at that. I still love her... still want her back...