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WTF? what is wrong? well master after i demanized everyone here i went into the lunch line and i got a ham burger and i wanted musterd on it. ok can you get to the point? yes master. well i looked and looked and looked and there was no musterd. its like people hate musterd in this place.cause you doesnt like musterd. OMG. so that was the problem? yes. why is something wrong master? no no no. everythings all right.ok now that you have demanized all of these mortals, follow me so we can take over this place. as he looked away to gather is men i said; OMG! i am going to kill him later. what a stupid deman. oh yeah they do not have any musterd. thats the worst thing ever. yeah. can he get any more stupid? hey master should i line then up by gender or size? OMG! does it matter? well its your call. OMG! NO IT DOES NOT MATTER! you sure master? YES! [he turned his back] i am going to kill him, i am going to kill him,i am going to kill him. master? WHAT? there ready to go. ok. [sign] tell them to follow me. ok. [mutter,mutter,mutter] ok master they will follow you now. ok every one,LETS DEMANIZE THESE MORTALS!

kya koshina
Community Member

Offline

Tue Apr 28, 2009 @ 07:15am

Hello i love the idea of your story i have read further in your journal but i thought it best to add a comment to your last chapter posted, i am very ecstatic for your remake but i think you might be able to make it further than 20 chapters.
a few details which i would like to point out
- try spacing it out a bit more for dialouge even though you can tell the difference it would be best to understand your jokes better
- it feels like your story is rushed a bit, as in the fact that in a mass of 60 thousand people he is was publicly exposed as a demon, it possibly be better if it was a small group. Even though he might be a bit arrogant, as a demon, he looked like he was one of the higher ups, possibly a second in command considering he was the one to recieve the devils sword by just picking it up. What im saying basically he would most likely be more of a strategist take things in more of a chess game than an all out rumble.
- a description of the characters as in hair colors, height and so on would be a nice touch for imagination purposes. A time frame for the story as well as background descriptions for each scene if you'd like to incorperate it later you could just put it to the side with character data and profiles.
PLEASE keep up the great story i will be checking for more twisted
p.s. - sorry for the weird commenting, and please dont think im harsh

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