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(the real point of starting my journal)

Sitting here I got to wondering, how did I get this point in my life . . .
I was never popular, but in middle school I had the greatest friends, I figured I would know most of them for the rest of my life. . . But here I am, a senior, half a year from graduating, I go to a different school and I left all my friends, all my enemies, practically my entire life all to follow a calling I had. To be different, and break away from the friends I knew would be into drugs in high school, to change who I let myself become. I had started out fine, I changed, then I fell back again and again, now I'm to this point where I'm not falling back, but I'm not trying to change anymore. . .
I will say I avoided the drugs and the drama of this freak'n town. . .
But I haven't change the one thing about myself that I left my best friend for. My blaming her in my heart and making her cry seems like it was for nothing, I want to be able to call her and tell her that she is a wonderful person, my best friend and that I love her, but I can't take back what I did, I missed my chance years ago. . .

I realized today everything I've missed out on, Home Coming, Prom, countless dances, many parties, and just being with those people I once knew and that everyone changed a lot, but the circles were the same, preps dating preps and so on, it's funny seeing everyone so much older, and not knowing anything about who they are, tho they are my age and live in my town.

Some days I think I've made a huge mistake, I threw away all my friends, but then I wonder if this was inevitable, or fate even. . .

Then there are days I am happy with my life, the friends I have now are great. If I didn't chose this I wouldn't have met any of them
The heart break I've gone through, led me to who I'm with and I'm thankful every day for that. . . even tho the "used to be" hurts like hell.

Going back through memories, trying to figure out how I got here, looking at recent photos of the people I knew is painful, and even though I wish I still knew them, if I got a chance to go back in time I would do it the same way again, just knowing the people I would able to love today. . .


crying (I hope this doesn't sound like I'm having an emotional break down)