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FIVE MINUTE FUDGE
(subtitle: which actually refers to how long you boil it, not how long the entire procedure takes)

To complete this recipe I recommend the following items:

1- largish saucepan of the variety that has a long handle meaning you can fit several cups of stuff in it but it is not yet large enough to require a small handle on each side

2- measuring cups, at least one of which should have a 2/3 cup measure line (I usually use one measuring cup for dry ingredients and one for wet, unless I can't find two measuring cups with a 2/3 cup mark, in which case I use the 2/3 cup mark one to do the sugar and then use it for wet ingredients)

1- 1/2 teaspoon measure

1- longish inflexible utensil of your choice I usually use a wooden stirring spoon or (even better) a white fake-wooden stirring spoon I have no idea what the real name for those things is

1- medium-sized (and by medium sized I mean smaller than one of those big salad bowls but larger than a cereal bowl) bowl or a collider with a long handle (which I like because it has a long handle)

1- something with which to time five minutes

1- nominally rectangular pan that can have any of the following dimensions (provided that it is a couple inches deep) 8x8 8x9 9x9 8x10

Ingredients:

1 & 2/3 cups sugar
2/3 cups evaporated milk (any level of fat works)
1/2 teaspoon salt
approximately 1/2 stick of butter: 2 tablespoons for the fudge and the rest to butter the pan
2 cups of mini marshmallows (the regular-sized bags have four to five cups in them)
1 10-12 oz package of chips which match the desired flavor of your fudge (example: chocolate chips, peanutbutter chips, butterscotch chips, white chocolate, asparagus, etc.)
1 teaspoon vanilla
Optional: 1/2 cup of chopped nuts (which I never add because I'm allergic) or chopped candy bits that you think would taste good in your fudge (like bits of candy cane in your chocolate fudge)

Demands:
1) Read all of the directions before actually doing anything

Directions:

DO ALL OF THE FOLLOWING BEFORE[/d] TURNING ON YOUR STOVE!

1 ) dump 1 & 2/3 cups sugar, 2/3 cups evaporated milk, 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and 2 tablespoons of butter into the saucepan
2 ) stir so that all the sugar turns the nasty color of evaporated milk
3 ) dump 2 cups mini marshmallows and 10-12 oz of chips into your collinder or bowl
4 ) put 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract into the measuring cup you used to measure the wet ingredients with, then add fourish tablespoons of water to that
5 ) butter your nominally rectangular pan and put it on a cutting board next to the collinder of sweet things and the measuring cup with vanilla and water
6 ) set your timer for five minutes but don't start it yet
7 ) Remove all small animals, televisions, especially small children and all other distracting annoyances from the room (and make sure they can't get back in)
8 ) Check to make sure that you have done the preceding seven steps properly.

END OF STEPS THAT MUST BE COMPLETED BEFORE YOU TURN ON THE STOVE.

9 ) turn your stove on to a slightly lower than medium-ish heat
10 ) Stir occasionally
11 ) Wait around (it is at this point that the experienced fudge-maker could, if they so desired, do steps 3-6 instead of doing them before turning on the stove, though if you discover you are capable of completing steps three through six while waiting for the evaporated-milk colored substance to do its stuff I suggest doing step seven immediately. Hell, step seven should probably have been step one but I'm too lazy to go and change all the numbers now.)
12 ) The original recipe will now say that what it is you are waiting for is the evaporated-milk colored stuff to bubble around the edges. This has never actually happened. I suspect it was a joke on the part of whoever came up with the recipe. It's possible that it has something to do with my electric stove or the kind of pan I'm using. If the evaporated-milk colored sludge does not deign to bubble around the edges I generally wait until, after I give it a good stir, it almost immediately begins to bubble relatively furiously in the middle of the pan.
13 ) With your sludge bubbling furiously as described in step 12 then you may now start your timer.
14 ) Stir constantly. Yes. Constantly. I usually do the first two minutes with my right hand then one minute with my left one with my right and the last minute with my left hand. I'm right handed. This works for me. That way my arms don't cramp.
15 ) Turn off the stove when your timer goes off.
16 ) Transfer saucepan to the counter next to the collendar and the measuring cup with the vanilla in it.
17 ) Carefully pour in the marshmallows and chips using the stirring spoon to guide as needed
18 ) Pour in the vanilla water
19 ) Stir until all the marshmallows have melted
20 ) Immediately after step nine-teen pour into your pre-buttered nominally rectangular pan
21 ) Cool in a closed cupboard or refridgerator

Wait about three minutes before eating the fudge out of the saucepan to see if it has attained the approximate consistency one associates with fudge. If it has, congratulations, you did it right. If it has not, don't despair. It May Not Be Your Fault. Re-examine the instructions to see if there is something you have done wrong. If not, it probably has something to do with the barometric pressure. For some reason my fudge often turns into a taffy-like substance when it rains, but not when it snows. I do not know why this is, I suspect the aliens are just screwing with me.

I shall add the note that this is not never-fail fudge and I've probably written some sort of design flaw into the recipe on accident that garuntees that you eff it up.

I shall also add that a few of the words used in this recipe are not real words and if someone would tell me what the proper spelling of the word 'collendar' is I'd be very cool with that.