"I was talked into going camping. 18 years on the road, Im not a big camper. Ive been spoiled by hotels. Not ungreatful, just spoiled. Camping for me is when room service closes at 10:00. If its 10:30 i think 'Wow. Im camping.' So i get a call from my friend in boston. he says 'John, its Bill from boston. Some of us are going camping.' And i get that gun put to my head, you know that gun? 'Everyones going except you John. You're the only one not going.' 'OK ILL GO!' So i fly to boston and im picked up in a winnebago. now you can rent them and they're beautiful. Captians chairs, TV, radio. ok, camping. We drive up to Maine, which is beautiful, but its also the setting of most of Stephen King's novels. And we're asking for directions and people are saying creepy Maine stuff like 'Goin' way up there, huh?' 'Yeah, why? WHY?' And we're no going to like Bangor, New Harbor. Nine hours on the Maine Turnpike! You cant go nine hours! We're in Russia! We get to the end of Maine near Russia. i have terable alergies and i forgot my alergy medicine, so i took a Benadryl. Benadryl works, but it put you in a coma! it says on the box 'May make you drowsy. No drowsy. COMA. We get to the camping area, and i think 'ok we're sleeping in the winnebago.' No! We're leaving the winnebago. and we're HIKING! About FIVE MILES! on MY VACATION! Every one was prepared. they looked like Louis and Clark. the had tents and knives and ropes and...Ive got my luggage from the airport and im dragging it through the woods! My mood turned dark. i felt like Gollum on his way to Mordor. (Imitating Gollum) 'You dont have any friends. They left you in the woods to die. They took away our winnebago! THAT WAS MY PRECIOUS!!!!' I snapped out of my gollum and they said 'If we see bears, don't feed them.' first of all i aint a squirrel. 'C'mre! Who's gonna claw me to death? C'mon!' and second we didnt bring that much. hes not getting anything from ME! And im worried about the bears, and they say 'Dont worry about the bears. We have tents!' (wipes forehead as if releived) Hes never gonna get in there! Hows he gonna unzip the tent with his PAW? I can just see a 500 pound Kodiak bear outside my tent going 'Son of a b***h! Howd he get in there?!' i was exausted. i woke up in the middle of the night and had to go pee in the forest. There's stuff in the forest. there was a opossum! they're creepy! they're like the perverts of the forest! Thing was starin' at me like 'is that a cigarette?' 'GET OUTTA HERE! GET OUTTA HERE! I DONT LIKE CAMPING!' i get back to the campsite and im starving. And they hide food from bears, did you know this? they put it in a tree 'cause bears cant climb trees. well guess what? NIETHER CAN I! So that tree had to come DOWN. so now im eating a sandwich next to the fallen tree. and a racoon came into the campsite. and it wanted my sandwich. this, of course, is unacceptable, i chopped down a tree for this sandwich! and racoons are brave, they dont scare easily. but to scare it away i did an Ewok. You know the little furry things in Return of the Jedi? That scared it. it would his and id go AIYEEEEE!(Ewok growl) Evry body wakes up and sees me in front of the campfire: EEEYAAAAAYYAAAYAEEAYY! And they're looking for the empty tequila bottle!
