First off, before anyone tells me that I haven't written Random Crap numbers one through three ninety six, let me point out that it's random and therefore a completely random number is justified. So there, logical people!
Anyways, I'm sick. It sucks. But college is a bit of a petri dish, so it's not like I didn't expect it. Besides, it'll strengthen my immune system! That is, if I live through the crap. I'm coughing like I have freakin' TB. No, I know I don't, I know exactly what happened, it's just a bit of a chest cold, but I just felt like being overly dramatic.
Soldiering on with the film critiques (see the last couple entries if you're wondering what I'm talking about) and... well... I could write an entire anti-guide on how not to make a film now. But the sad thing is, it's nothing I would have done before, just nothing I had seen done. For example:
How (Not) to Make an Experimental Film
1. Take a really, really crappy camera, and film about... oh... five shots. Preferably of water, because the panel/critics/what have you have never seen that before. Don't use a tripod. That shaking just makes it edgy!
2. Now, changing up the order, turn those five shots into five whole films. Make sure to use at least four shots in each film. Over and over. Each film should be at least twenty minutes long. If you decide the shots aren't long enough, slow them down digitally (artifacts? what artifacts?) and use jump cuts over and over and over. Anything to make it more repetitive.
3. Now, add some really experimental music. Nails on a chalkboard should do it. Euphony is for losers! Your aim is to deafen your audience, so make sure to mix up the levels, especially if it's really quiet to start out with.
4. Put all of your films on one DVD with a really artsy, almost unusable title menu. Don't check the DVD to see if it skips, as that is in no way your responsibility. In fact, you just might want to scratch it up a bit, and call the skipping art.
5. Submit all of your brilliant artwork to the same festival. The screeners won't be peeved at all. Especially as they absolutely have to watch all five of your not at all identical masterpieces.
6. If you do not become instantly famous, b***h and complain until you do. Say that people don't understand you, and come up with some s**t about how your films relate to Freudian psychology. Proceed to submit your work (no, don't bother making new films- you've already got five perfectly good ones) at every major, minor, and completely insignificant film festival in the world. Surely the French will understand you!
Now that we're done with that, some hints to would-be documentary makers:
- Documentaries consist of three parts; footage relevant to whatever you're documenting, commentary (this one is important), and expert interviews. Some people might call leaving one or more of these out 'edgy', I just call it lazy.
- For some subjects, you might have to use photos for footage. This is fine, but make a sincere attempt to have 30% or less of your footage be photos, and 70% or more be actual footage. Especially if whatever you're documenting happened less than twenty years ago.
- Get a tripod already. Okay, admittedly, you might need to get some footage without one, but please, please use one for the interviews.
- Borat was not a documentary. We do not want to hear about your sex life.
Kita-Ysabell Community Member 
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