My mind is going a bit haywire right now. And from just seeing such a simple thing... About a year ago, I had a love. Ruka. A love that I like to think was mutual, if only for a while... A love I still, apparently, have.
Ruka has an account on Gaia. Once each time I log on, if I have time, I like to take a glance at it. Just to see how it has/hasn't changed. And, it hasn't changed for about a year. Ruka's just not terribly active. But tonight... I look, and it changed. Ruka was there. Just for a little while, I assume. Changed the avatar, it's cute. And i'm... really quite shocked that it stung me as much as it did to see that.
I haven't spoken to Ruka in a great long while. I always wonder how things are going in Ruka's life, but I can't bring myself to ask... I'd be ashamed to ask for any attention from Ruka now. I'm sure Ruka's much happier since we parted ways. Though the way in which we parted was... unclear and tainted. I guess i'll just go on without closure on that. I don't really deserve closure... I wasn't good to Ruka.
Anyway... I don't know why it's bothering me so. To see that Ruka was active on that dead little account. No saying hello? Hah. As though I deserved a hello.
I keep feeling like I should do something. Maybe say i'm sorry, though that would be a late apology... Or just saying Hi. Can't go wrong there. Right? Or maybe asking how things are. If things are better... None of my business, though. But my better voices are telling me to just keep my silence, and my distance.
Stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about it. Nothing you can do. Just stop thinking about it. It won't bother you if you don't think about it. You were just fine before that. Right?
...I miss Ruka.
edaaz · Wed Mar 05, 2008 @ 09:18am · 0 Comments |