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I have this feeling now...this urge...
To kill anyone and everyone.....
Family, Best friends, friends, aqquatince, innocent people....
I don't care who it is...I just wanna kill....
I never felt this way before....I just wonder what the hell is causing it...
I know that I'm not the only one suffering...
I FUKEN KNOW THAT SO SHUT THE f** UP!!!!!!
I WANNA LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM!
PUSH ME IN FRONT OF A BUS!
ANYTHING! JUST ANYTHING!!!!!
Anything to take me out of here.......
I wanna get out...
I know that people wanna help me...I haven't forgotten the help that Shina is offering to me...
But not even SHE can help!!
She won't be able to help me free myself from these chains that's binding me to this wretched place!!
I'd rather go to HELL or to the deepest pit of the ABYSS
If I wasn't such a coward, I would let my brother kill me!!!

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE! I WANNA FUKEN DIE!!!
I KNOW I'M AFRAID OF DEATH BUT I JUST WANNA DIE!!!
I KNOW THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT CARE FOR ME AND LOVE ME BUT I JUST WANNA DIE TO END ALL THIS PAIN!!!!
IF I CAN'T BE WITH HER OR IF I CAN'T EVER SEE HER THEN I'D DIE!!! I CAN'T THINK OF A TIME THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO SEE HER AGAIN!!!

No I'm not lesbian!!!!!!!
It's just that she acknowledges and accepts me the way I am...but...
I don't know if she'll be able to accept me the way I am now....
If I see her again...I....I..could probably change...
It's that..she acts like a real sister to me...
Back in when I was an elementry school student, she gave me attention
She gave me true warmth...
She became the most important person to me in my whole entire life...
Every time I think about her, I get angry with myself. I get the urge to kill myself.
I know the reason why
It's because I've hurt her heart so many times....
And.....because of me moving here....it must've caused her great pain...
Just like it caused me great pain...
I wanted to cry...
But I didn't because I didn't want to be seen as a weak person in front of my family. Few drops of tears rolled down my face........BUT THAT WASN'T ENOUGH!!!
I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO ALL MY FRIENDS THAT WERE THE FIRST ONES TO BECOME FRIENDS WITH ME AND LOVED AND CARED ABOUT ME!!!!
I NEVER EVEN GOT A FUKEN CHANCE!!!!!!!
And I can't believe....that me and her's friendship ended like that....
I walked right pass her.....not turning to look at her, not a small "bye", and not even a small gesture of goodbye.....
I miss her...I really miss her...
She gave me lots of pictures of her....I lost them...or even threw them away
It's my fault....It's all my fault...
I'm always the main source that brings pain to all my friends...to all the people that I care about...
Even though Mikoto says that it is alright....I can't accept that!!!
I'm gonna have to receive some yelling, some scolding, and even rejection!!
I know that it would hurt me but I know that I DESERVE it!!!
I can't be forgiven for all the harm that I've done!!
What scares me the most...is being weak...not being able to protect my friends. Not being able to do anything
I CAN'T PROTECT ANYMORE
I CAN'T PROTECT ANYONE
But......
If I see her again....if we are reunited....will I be able to protect her?
I don't know.....It's been.....about 3 years....or 4 years...
*sigh*
Damn it all...
Damn myself...
Damn myself to the deepest pit of hell where the devil and demons may torture my soul....