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It seems like every day I polish up a mask that can fool everyone, even my own parents. A mask of happiness, that when it comes down to it is just a mask. Nothing from that mask will ever be plastered in my soul. It will never leave a mark or sink into me, for it is just a mask that I wear.

I have lasted four years with keeping my sadness bottled up. I think I can manage to keep them in here a bit longer (maybe).

Even after four years I STILL don’t know how to express myself without humiliation falling into my pity. There’s not much anyone can do to help, if it’s ME that isn’t able to tell them my plans for the past and the future.

I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this dead body standing with an empty soul inside that’s barely able to sustain itself, let alone try and stabilize another thing altogether.

On the outside, everyday, I smile with my mask. Underneath it I’m just a scared little ten-year-old girl that’s afraid of what will happen to everybody around her and crying her eyes out because of it.

Even with the Warm Place, it wasn’t as much help as it seemed. That was only the art class where I MADE my mask.

Also all the therapists I had, they only gave me distractions from my pain, like toys. They didn’t talk or anything, they just sat there and got little troubles that were bothering me RIGHT THEN, not stuff from my past.

Honestly, I CAN’T just talk about my problems. I think that if I ever have the chance, I should go to hypnotherapy. I’ve seen it on TV and I think that’s the only way that they can truly get anything out of me.

When I bite on my lip, I’m either thinking about something or I’m trying not to laugh or cry.

In the pit of sorrow I’m in now, it’s hard to even get up in the morning and ACT happy.

I find myself practicing jokes and smiles without even thinking about it. I do this every morning in front of the mirror.

Happy or sad thoughts, if they’re about things I’ve lost then I cry no matter what.

(12-3-07)I got blamed today for putting “kill me” on the desk. Then I got questioned about it by my classmates AND my teacher. This just made me cry all the way to 7th period. I almost tried to run away from school, but I didn’t.

(12-4-07)I saw a star up in the sky. No other star up there. It’s almost as if Aaron thought that he should come and check on me through that star. If he saw what happened to me yesterday, he probably would.

(12-4-07)Even though it’s the day that I SHOULD mourn, I can’t even shed a single tear and I feel like my mask is still on.

Aaron was/is my favorite sibling, and he would be turning 20 today if he was still alive.

(12-4-07)I’ll try being truthful to anyone that asks today but I know that if I talk, I’ll cry. I’ve already cried twice today and school hasn’t even started yet.

(12-4-07)It’s still hard to believe that it’s been four years…I still wonder what he would look like if he were still alive.

I just heard “accidents occur”…boy THAT brings back memories…horrible ones.

Everyone says, “Come talk to me if you need any help.” That’s just it!! I CAN’T talk about my problems. So in theory, I can’t get any help.

No wonder I feel so empty. Every time and Angel cries, a piece of her heart falls.

(12-4-07)I just found out that my Aunt Bonnie was found dead in her house today. My mom called me into the living room and told me, “Shelly called saying that no one had seen Aunt Bonnie in a week, so she sent some police to her house to check up on her. She was found dead in her garage.” She was gone. My favorite aunt, gone…and on Aaron’s birthday too?! I was already depressed enough as it is!!!

God! Is this some kind of sick punishment? What did we do? Why Aaron’s birthday? Why not in January, just like with all the other deaths we had?!

I know that I shouldn’t be yelling at God. But, I don’t know who to yell at. For some reason I’m mad. God, please help my mother…and definitely help Shelly. She was Bonnie’s only daughter. My mom said that she raised Bonnie like her own child when they were growing up. So please help them the most. I KNOW they’re hurting more.

(December 8th, 2007)
The funeral for my Aunt bonnie was sad, then horrible, then funny. Let me explain what I mean. Everyone in the family came to the funeral. The songs that were playing were ones that reflected best on Bonnie as a person. After the funeral part was done, everyone got in their cars and we started off toward the cemetery with hearse in front.
We had an idiot driving the hearse. First off, he led us to the WRONG CEMETARY, then when we turned around to go to the right one HE SPED OFF LEAVING US THERE!!! My parents and I had to lead everyone to the right church. The only reason why we knew where it was was because it was OUR CHURCH.
When we got there, the hearse was already there and Aunt Bonnie’s coffin was already above the whole where she was going to be buried. He tried apologizing to us, but we weren’t going to hear it! Shelly went rampant on his a**! I don’t blame her! She’s never lost it before, at least not in front of me. I was amazed, I was shocked, but most of all I was admiring her right then, standing off to the side agreeing with every word that she said.
We got through the burial and it was time for everyone to go to the Fellowship Hall to eat. But it was locked…my other cousin, Sunny, my dad, and I had to break into the church-___-We are SOOO going to Hell-___-When we finally got in Ernest, the youth pastor, was there and he UNLOCKED THE DOOR! Later we were all laughing because aunt bonnie must’ve had fun ruining her own funeral.