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It feels like my life is becoming to complicated. I promised a friend I would not become distant and today realized I did become distant. Too distant for comfort. If I was her I would probably hide it because I didn't want her to worry but inside I would be crying. Even writing this I feel concided and horrible about myself. Maybe she does not feel like this but I still feel bad that our relationship became distant. God. I am not even sure if I can celebrate her birthday with her becuase of work and driving lessons.
I hopefully start work tomorrow, I had to cancel my guitar lesson so I could work, if they haven't put me in the computer so I can start then I am going to be very pissed and probably not work until the summer starts.
My organization of time and days is not truely mine with the random mail saying I need to take tests and my work pulling the strings. I feel like I am becoming a doll that has to do whatever the master says, its almost like a dance I have to perform. If I cannot do even one task a string will break and the dance will come to an abrupt hault and everything will fall apart. I need to be perfect but as of late perfection is slipping away.
Adulthood is coming too fast and I have lived as a child too long. The resposibility of being completely alone is too much for me. Lonliness is increasing but it seems like I have done that to myself.
"I'm so lost I'm barely here. I'm trying to explain myself but words escape me. Its too late to save me. Your too late. I'm sick with aprehension."