Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

grr...this sucks. Oh well. Today i made the rationalization that I am not getting along well with other kids in my school this year because i feel left behind as a result of most of my friends being seniors last year.
As well i got all emotional again over my grandmothers death...i know thats lame but today in school like all the kids in my economics class got talking about their grandparents. My grandmother died when i was in fourth grade (i never learned how to multiply i was out of school so much that year with her in the hospital), my grandmother was my best friend. I never made any friends with children my age because i felt so connected with my grandmother i didnt want to interact with other people. sad When she died my life got turned upsidown and everything i knew was gone. My whole life changed in one instant.
Almost every year, as a result of her heart conditions & her pacemaker & the medicine she was put on, she would wind up in the hospital because of a common cold because her immune system was almost non-exsistant from her meds. So she wound up in the hospital again like normal so when i was a kid it didn't really bugg me because i know she would just be back out in two or three weeks. This time however...she didn't come out. I've been conceling her death to myself to ease the pain trying to convince myself she moved to florida or something...but that finally wore off. The fact that I'm never going to see my grandmother, my best friend in the whole world again, finally sunk in my thick skull today.
As well the fact that eventually I'm going to loose everyone I love as a result of death...either my own (after a long time i hope) or they're death (once again i hope its a long time before it).
The thought of loosing Kermitl just made me feel horrible the thought that i would someday see something happen to him or my mother just tore me up inside. With all these thoughts running through my head i cried...i cried for the first time in many many years. I've never cried so hard before in my life and yet as my eyes felt more tired then before my pain seem to be pushed back down in the pit of my stomach where it belongs to be supressed untill a later date where all my bottled up emotions exsplode in a burst of emotions again.
I complain about my boyfriend supressing things, but i do the same thing...I never usually show my emotions at all i try to hide them especially pain.It's getting late so thats all for now...night night!

~Miss. Piggy