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I cannot nor will I willingly replace those people. I have tried to erase them from my heart. I cannot. I cannot. It burns me inside to drowning. Maybe it has been a factor in why I've been so suicidal recently.

It's been harder than ever over here. Sure I've made some friends but there is much more sorrow than ever. Graduation is coming. There are many things upon me and all I can think about is her. No it is not Tj, though I miss her extreemly.

I ponder and wonder. There is always that music in the back of my head reminding me, reminding me. Truly it is torture but this has taught me nothing. Was it supposed to be a lesson. It taught nothing but pain. Pain which I have already known and battled. This time I win.

I have not hurt myself or starved myself in any form or way. When I start feeling like that I have two solutions: trampoline and chalk up the driveway. I have had to use them both quite frequently lately.

I'm done playing around. I know I only want Tj and my hatred of men is enough to satisfy me, now. I only continued the little game to learn to hate more and more. Natasha was the only one having fun. It has helped me learn to control her. I now know when she strikes and how to stop her. She is a clever b***h but ultimately THIS BODY IS MINE!