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Why are all these things always on my mind? I wonder this everyday. There are things I want to do and say but I am restricted from doing so. There is something I want to say to somebody right now but I don't think they'd care to listen to me. I don't think they would even come close to knowing how important it is for them to hear it anyways. I think I possibly scared this person away. I was only being honest with how I felt. This person has hurt me countless times with their foolishness but still they stuck around because they knew that I would care about them nonetheless and actually I know they cared about me too. I'm worried that I might have messed them up permanently because for once I turned my back away from them but I just couldn't take the neglect anymore. Yeah, they wanted me there at all times when something went wrong but where was this person when I needed somebody? This special person who is still very special and very very precious to me though I know you or anybody else will probably not read this entry I want to say here that I'm sorry. I don't know why I should even be sorry because I've never done anything to you but I feel I must apologize for it whatever it is I feel guilty for whether it may be that I wasn't there enough or I didn't care enough or I am just a freak and cannot be accepted by anyone and should feel guilty for it. I am tired of feeling this way and I am tired of hiding this hurt inside of me. I refuse to be a burden on anybody. This hurt, like my vision problem, is my cross to bear. I never wanted any help from you or anybody else to help me carry it I just wanted someone to talk to while dragging it along. Maybe I hurt you by simply entering your life or even just existing is a burden on you. I am sorry I just don't see my future anymore. I don't have much hope for any type of successful future in my life but isolation like now. Sorry with the way I've been regardless if anything is my fault. I just wanted hope for a future to be visible and.....just wanted a family and to feel loved. I'm not emo but this is how I feel. Nobody in my life knows what it's remotely like to be isolated and to not ever know if you'll ever have a future. Nobody that knows me knows what that's like. I pray that nobody I know has to ever know what it's like to feel the way I feel and to live the way I've been fated to live. While talking to a friend of mine the past couple weeks I have come to understand you more and more from talking to her about your past. Apparently you don't even know what you're getting yourself into. I can't be completely upset with you. You'll just have to learn one day, that's all. Personally, I hope that you stumble upon this and read it because for once I am ashamed to say something and I just want you to know how I truly feel......I never will stop caring no matter what and I really just want to talk to you. because I wonder daily about you. I wonder if you're alright. I wonder if you've died and I won't hear from you again. I wonder if you hate me. I really wonder if you even actually care or cared. I hope you are doing well. Anyways I'm praying for you. To everybody else that's reading this have a good night.