Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

It's been awhile since I've written in here and today I am writing not just for my leisure, but because I feel I should write down my current thoughts on a lot of different things happening in my life and mind lest they stay in my mind and drive me batty.

The current situation... seems like a good place to start. Ever since January things with my family seem to have become unsteady. Late this past January my brother got into an accident late at night. It seemed like to me like to me at the time that it was a hit and run but it was impossible to tell anything because my brother couldn't and still hasn't remembered anything regarding the incident. Now I'm not so sure... I think he may have been on something and he lost consciousness as a side effect because of it. However, as I said because he cannot remember anything regarding the situation I cannot tell...

Things seemed to be calm on the surface since then for me until late February. When me and a group of friends were about to move out into an apartment to live away from our families... However, 9 days until the move out day all plans fell to pieces. After that incident most of my friends fell out of that plan and until recently only me and one other friend still wanted to move out. We had made plans to move into a town house in June... But again that fell through. Now, another of the original group has decided to join us once again in the plans. However, advised that we wait until each of had 2 years working experience under our belts before we try.... Basically extending the wait we must endure indefinitely... But I digress...

Things took a turn for the worst for my family when they caught my brother huffing propellants during April... My parents feared the worst and requested that I take my sword over to a friends house and I willing did so the very next day...My room still feels so bare without them here. The day they took him in for a chemical dependency examination I picked up a friend of mine after she got off work just to spend some time out of the house and away from my family... I was having a really good time too until about 6pm when my mom called and told me to come home immediately. As I pulled up into my street the first thing I noticed was a police car parked in my normal spot next to the curb. I parked a few houses back to make sure not to get to close... As I approached the house the next thing I noticed was my mom's Jeep Liberty crashed front end first into a light pole and I feared the worst. It turns out my parents had let my brother take the car out for a few hours to spend with his friends right after his Chemical dependency examination.. Apparently he lost consciousness again as he was heading home and that's how the accident occurred. It wasn't until I stepped back outside again that I noticed he had hit a Ford F-150 as he was coming up the hill and put a considerable dent in the side. In order to have done that in the Liberty meant he had to be really speeding. I shudder at the thought at just how much worse it could have been... He could have seriously injured somebody, especially since there were kids about playing outside and I personally think he was lucky to not get too much more then a bump on the head.

Since that event my brother has been placed under a voluntary house arrest... Which if he wants to keep living here he must adhere to. He is no longer allowed to drive any of the vehicles and isn't allowed to leave the house without a family member being with him. He seems so depressed right now and I hate this feeling that there is nothing I can do... I want to help him but I also feel like I just want to stay out of the situation. For my own sanity and my own future I feel it is the best course of action... Though I hate to see him suffer.

Now for my personal thoughts and my non-family related situation. As of early April I have taken on a new position at my store ShopKo. I work on the Freight Crew usually from 4am-noon. Because I need to get up so early it means I also need to get to bed early... Because of this it basically means that me and my loves communication time is shortened and much more varied because when she usually gets off work I'm usually in bed. Also because of my early bed time means though that I have to leave my friends a lot earlier then I normally would... I see them often enough to be happy but I always feel like I miss so much.. That's kind of the main feeling I get right now... Missing things... Because I live so far away from the rest of my relatives the only time I hear anything about them is when it's either really good news or bad news... The latest news regarding them is that my Aunt Karen and Uncle John decided to break up... I find that really sad because those two have been together since well before I was born. Also my Cousin Chris and his wife Helena are getting divorced as well... That one is rather sad too because I was the ring bearer at that wedding...

Regarding what's going on in my mind... right now I really wish I knew. My future is unset and so variable right now I can't even see a path... Also I question my reason for my parents even giving birth to me... It seems like that whenever I'm home they will make me do pretty much everything.... I can be upstairs in my room and they could be downstairs on the couch and yell at me to let the dog in... I feel like the only reason they still keep me around is because I'll do whatever they ask without question... Whereas, they don't ask my brother to do a thing when I'm home... They can have me doing chores like crazy and just let him stay sleeping all day... I just got so annoyed with it it's not even funny.