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Ok well for those of you who don't know I'm making a scrapbook of the years events for nick's anniversary gift. also pie. and..i may sneak another surprise in there but i'm still working everything out. anyway yea the plan is friday (yea thats when it is) in the morning imma clean up his locker and put my scrapbook inside with a fake rose. It's a really old fake rose but its a really nice one. I don't mind giving it to him. Anyway yea. Then I just need a plan to get him to go to his locker when he gets there.. I haven't really thought of a discreet way to do it yet.. D: IDEAS PL0X!!! lol

Anyway yea. Next up. Brainstorming.. I need to rant for like 4 more pages so yea. I need ideas as to what to put so I was thinking of putting things I like about him in detail and like... Talk about how insecure I am cause I am so like point out everything in me i think are...ok about me and qualities i think are bad and be like yea "yet you still love me" lol. so yea.. time to brainstorm those ideas...

What I like about Nick...:
~Well.. he is pretty smart being that he's a year older. He's not THAT smart but..he is smart in different ways. We're able to hold up some intellectual conversations every now and again.
~He's cute. that obviously is a factor. lol. luuuurve him and his squishy cheeks. and his haiiir <3333 4laugh lol
~He's nice. :] very chivalrous that boy. it's so adorable. Whenever I try to carry his bag or something he gets all angry and all nuuuuu dont do that for meeeeee DDD: and i'm all like awwww so kyuuuuuuuuuteeeeeee. cutie cutie pie xD Although he does have a bit of an anger problem but nothing too serious. lol
~Hmm..what else is there.. he's.. funny. he can be so weird and random that it's awesome. although sometimes his jokes and things can get a bit on my nerves cause its something i think is stupid or something lol.
~He's cool in his own way.
~He can play guitar. although more often than not it can get on my nerves lol. but idk that goes along with being cool in his own way lol. but yea. i mean a guy who can play an instrument. hey thats like auto coolness yea? every girl loves a guy who can play an instrument. they think its sexy. idk it's cool. i dont care if a guy can or cant play though lol.
~hmm...he's...what else is he..he's sensitive. like..we can have heart to heart talks like..randomly..or if theres a problem going on. we can talk about anything because he's so understanding.
~he's loyal. hell he's had plenty of opportunity to cheat, like someone else, etc. i'm glad he's still with me despite my huge a** list about things about me that suck later lol.
~he's.. just plain amazing i can't even put it into words lol
~he's..normally tired or has an issue with something and normally being distant but..idk i may feel awkward i still want to be there with him and i'm just drawn to him. he's just..yea... lol. i think the list is done i cant think of more at the moment

Alright stuff about me that are ok:
-I'm sorta smart
-I can play the piano (i still suck compared to loads of people D: )
-I am...semi-athletic lol
-I am loyal as hell XD (I'm pretty sure when you like a guy for ..6ish years that definately means your loyal..or at least a stalker LOL! jj. but yea I can be loyal. hell i'm always following nick around which..will..go on the..bad list in a moment lol)
-I'm nice..some...times..lol
-I'm cute according to him. Looks and how I act.
-I'm..idk i try to be happeh as much as possible and be there for him. and..yea..idk. i think i suck so yea lol. next list

SUCKY THINGS BOUT MEE whoooo!:
-I get jealous easily although I try not to let it show
-I'm majorly insecure
-I'm always trying to hang out or talk to Nick. it's not so bad now but i still think it's a flaw
-I'm not all that great at anything or great in general
-I think there are lots of things about me that are in other people and better and that he'd be better off with someone else. He doesnt think he has the capability of getting anyone better but I think he does. I think he could be with someone thats like me but 10 times as awesome and better than me at everything. And with less flaws. xP
etc etc
lol.
I guess the main idea for that is. I think that there are so many things wrong with me and I see everyone around me and I see that they could be so much better for him...And because I'm majorly insecure I get jealous easily with the things he does with other girls and I guess I can overanalyze the things he says about them. or things like that. I overthink everything.. I mean I know in the end he's still with me and that I can do the things I get jealous of in him and I shouldn't give him such a hard time (in my mind. I never vocalize these things lol. I'm used to just shutting up and keeping everything in my mind with my parents so it's a good thing I do this now cause i would lose him quicker) anyway yea
oh and like..
We share a lot of different views on things.. which isnt necessarily a bad thing. A lot of strong couples disagree on many things. the thing is it can be on some pretty big stuff..so i think that kinda..be a problem. and might be a huge problem later on.

and i'm changing a lot so my interests are changing. so many of our common bonds are changing. also not a bad thing. you know what they say opposites attract. but that goes back to the insecurity thing. i see him have so much in common with so many other girls and its like..damn....

Idk...man this is making me so emotional right now. xP I love him... I don't want to lose him.. Just the thought of losing him sucks majorly.
Today I was all like nick do you hate me? you hate me dont you. D: you hate me.. you're gonna leave me. for fun but also kinda meaning it. I think he just thinks i'm joking around which is kinda what i make it seem but i dont think he knows really just how insecure I am and can be. I trust him but.. i get blinded by my insecurities sometimes. But yea..
I did it for a while but something that made me kinda happy was he was all rubbing his face on mine (it was the best we could get away with there were teachers crawling the premises lol! but yea. i managed to snag some kisses later. anyway yea. he was doing that) and it was all cute. then after he was rubbing the top of my head and was all "I would never give up on you" so i was like yaaay so holding him to that lol. If we end up with someone else so be it but I am sure as hell not giving up yet. It's been a year and through all this reflecting.. i've discovered more about us, myself, and things like that. Also more doubts have arised. One thing prevailing at the moment is.. Am I just with him to be with him. Sometimes there are things that happen and I'm like..do I really need him. I mean like.. Yea I say I love him but do I really do? Am I just with him because..he's my first boyfriend..I don't want to get hurt...he's the best I can get right now..i might never meet someone else as good as him.. etc etc. I mean..idk i havent had time to really think about it but just the thought of..am I with him to just to have a bf. Thinking it over..I love him. According to my understanding of love as of this moment..lol. but yea. I love him. I..want to be with him as long as this lasts. hopefully the rest of our lives. I just..idk. it's hard to say anything at this point. idk it was a random question and..idk something i should really take into consideration. But yea.. one whole year...so much to think about..so much more to learn and discover...so much more drama to happen XD
but yea..
idk i'm officially getting distracted so i think its time to stop brainstorming for now. i think i should print this out so i can work on the book away from my computer more. anyway yea
blitz signing out~

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