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Blaaaaah~ Check yourself. |
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Well, today was interesting for little gaia-me. surprised Interesting in alot of good ways. But also in a few bad ways. Right now, i'm going to focus on the bad ways. x_x' It's nagging away in my head at the moment, and I can't stand it.
Alright, I have this very bad issue when it comes to reading people's attitudes. Anytime somebody says something very blunt and not nice, and they're not doing it in an "Obviously Joking" kind of way, I take it as an attack, an insult.
And it doesn't get me mad so much, it gets me scared. Yes, few things in this world actually scare me, but turns out this is one of them. The people might not mean to be attacking, or angry at all, but it always strikes me as an assault, which is purely terrifying.
I -hate- that feeling. And really hate that it's so very easy to set off in me. Now, i've been thinking as to why I look at things like this - why I see attacks.
I've thought about this alot in the past years. And I think it's simply to do with my childhood. How I grew up. In my family, if you stepped out of line one inch, or did one little thing wrong, had one little flaw of any kind showing, you'd get attacked and called out for it. My siblings/mom used any opening like that all the time against eachother/me. It terrified me then, and it terrifies me now.
And when that happened when I was a kid, really all I learned to do was strike back even harder. Make them back off, go full-on back at them. Get all worked up over the tiniest little thing. u_u' It's an exhausting, shaky feeling.
I've been working on handling myself better, though, in those situations. I try to smack myself and realize "Hey! Maybe they're not serious, buddy!" or "Calm down! Don't take them so seriously, they're not after you!" but I don't always catch myself. And it leads to big bad arguments which just worsen it. Because I know not everybody's going to respond to my defensiveness/counter-attacking so smoothly...
So i'm still upset now. Really, I haven't been quite this upset in months. It helps jotting it down here, but... blah. I'll get over it sooner or later.
edaaz · Mon Jun 30, 2008 @ 02:20am · 1 Comments |
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