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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Don’t go there. Stop it. Do not revert. Please don’t close up. I don’t want to be that person anymore I don’t want to hurt like that again. God I can feel myself slipping back into that. I am so scared of what I might do. I don’t want to go back to thinking about suicide every day. I can feel myself sabotaging myself again. I can feel myself going into that dark place again. I don’t know what to do. I can’t go back to therapy its part of why my issues are so bad now. I could never talk to my parents my dad already thinks I’m crazy and mom gets so weird when I try to talk to her about my issues she always argues with me or makes it all about her. I don’t know what to do what I have been doing isn’t working I thought (stupidly) that my problems had magically, not gone away but lessened apparently they were only hibernating. I can’t talk to my friends. I think they’d get it but I just can’t talk about it to them. Every time I try to lean on someone for help they are nice pat me on the head say the right things and leave. It feels like I went to the hospital for stitches and they gave me a bandage. Yeah thanks it really helps my issues that you leave when one of my top three problems is ABANDENMENT issues!!!!!! WHAT THE ********!!!!! God I so want to cry. But I wont I am getting worse with that, its getting harder and harder to let go. I’m having a hard time taking off the smiling mask. I feel like if I take it off I’ll crumble and there won’t be anything left. I can’t stop playing the fool when I’m alone now. I feel so trapped. I’m afraid to be alone, I am afraid that when I’m alone I’ll crumble. I feel like I just got my feet under me but the earth is giving way and I know if I fall I WILL break and I don’t know if I can put myself together again or if I would even want to. Why should I? I don’t like much about my life; I can’t remember the last time I did. Well things are a little better now I have friends. Not just friends, good friends that I think could be good for me. I have not had friends that not only seem to like my company but make me want to be real with them, that make me feel like I’m worth more than a joke that they don’t take seriously. I didn’t even see how BAD for me my old friends were for me or how very little they cared about me I haven’t talked to shelly since charismas and we haven’t called each other since maybe November and I don’t even miss her. If she had cared about me she wouldn’t have treated me the way she did. I would never treat a friend like that not even to tell me things like when she DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE AND MOVED IN WITH HER MOTHER IN PHILADELPHIA. I was stupid to think that after that we were still friends I guess I needed someone, anyone so bad I took what I could get. I haven’t written like this in a long time I feel a little better now.



Saturday, February 16, 2008

SHE DOSENT CARE!!! She thinks she can say whatever to me and it’s my fault if it hurts. She doesn’t listen to me, I stand there CRYING and she laughs and tells me I’m upset because I’m guilty. She calls me an ungrateful liar and I can’t take offense. I have dealt with her hissy fits for years and she makes me out to be the drama queen. I officially have no one to talk to. I can’t talk to Shelly. I can’t talk to my friends I haven’t known them long enough to be able to trust them (Like I ever would knowing me). And I obviously can’t talk to mom. No one gets me. I’m a freak. I don’t belong anywhere. Maybe they should lock me up and throw away the key. We’d all be happier then. They wouldn’t have to deal with me and I wouldn’t have to deal with them. I feel myself going down, going back. It was a nice illusion while it lasted, happiness. My life’s going back to the way it was. I wonder how long I’ll survive. Will I graduate? Will I move out? Right now it doesn’t seem likely. Will I start hurting myself? Will I get the courage to commit suicide? That seems more likely. I wonder when I’ll start to drive my friends away? I don’t think they get how whacked out emotionally I am. How dark. No one does. I’m good at hiding it. I’ve had a lot of practice. As a kid I’d laugh and smile to hide the pain of my bones. I didn’t like how they treated me different. When I started laughing it off they treated me like a normal person. When I got older I did it for everything that hurt me. After a while people started thinking they couldn’t hurt me. “Don’t worry about Sam she’s so strong she can take it”. But they were very wrong. I developed self-esteem and trust issues and fell into a deep depression. No one knew. I was alone in a very scary place. I watched mom go through depression it scared me more than anything. I was the one she leaned on. She needed me to take care of her; I had to act like the strong one. Now I don’t know how to stop acting, when I try they don’t believe me. They think I’m trying to manipulate them and I get in trouble. My hands are still trembling from the fight, my eyes hurt from crying. I’m stuck here they wont let me out to breathe. Trapped in this house until at least Monday when I may be able to sneak out for an hour. When my friend’s parents get mad they lock them out, mine lock me in. At least I have my room to hide in; I don’t know what I’d do without it.