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Pile of works...
Stories, Poems or random thoughts I've either collected or made up, some complete, some incomplete.
The Strange Little Boy: Part 2

"Sigh, Ok," started Gregory, "You know Tammy right?" Abby nodded back. "She and I broke up tonight."

Abby sat there for a minute with thoughts racing through her mind, 'yes! he's finally free from that b***h,' 'oh, poor thing why'd this have to happen to him?' 'maybe now he can become MY boyfriend.' As she started fantasizing, his voice brought her back to reality.

"Hey!," he snapped, "I told you, didn't I? Now what are you going to say?"

She looked at him kind of funny.

"You told me nothing about how it got to that point," she remarked.

Gregory didn't really want to tell her because it was still fresh in his mind and he didn't want the pain that was slowly building up inside of him to show, so he made every effort to bury it before he became depressed and unruly in the eyes of his house buddies. But Abby looked a little concerned and that almost completely covered up the eagerness in her face because she wanted them to break up so that she could try to his girlfriend. A bit selfish from her perspective but Gregory, priding himself on the ability to understand a girl rather well, had noticed her watching him every so often, and once he thought she tried to open the bathroom door when he was taking a shower. But that aside, she was kinda cute, she was a real sweetheart, and the only reason he didn't want to hook up with her was because if their relationship took turns for the worst, they would still have to live in the same house together. This was a problem that Greg wanted to avoid. Hey! she said slapping him gently on the cheek. Hm? Oh!, he replied regathering his thoughts. Yeah alright. He moved back on his his bed until he was leaning against the wall and patted part of the mattress next to him offering it to her. She crawled slowly to the space next to him, accepting it. Once she sat down, he put his arm around her, hugging her close to him, then he started. Ok, you know Tammy and I have been going out for about three months now right? She nodded. Well she forgot to tell me she's Mormon. What's that have to do with anything?, she asked. She didn't tell me that her parents didn't trust me, so, stupid me, I assumed that they didn't mind me being her boyfriend. But lo and behold, when I called her, she spoke up first and told me she was a Mormon and that she couldn't be with me because I'm not a Mormon and not only that, but she very curtly told me that because her parents had been treating her more and more like an outcast, she had to give in and get a new boyfriend. Then she hung up. Gregory sighed again and asked, What the hell is wrong with them? She was apparently happy whenever I was with her and for that matter, I felt a little better with her around too. Now she's gone. And there's a big hole right here, pointing to his chest, where she so gracefully ripped it out. And then the nerve to just ******** hang up, without so much as a good bye. Abby noticed a quick change in his demeanor, from a quiet young man to a pissed off ball of fury and didn't know he could be so opposite to himself but nonetheless tried to contain the situation and calm him down. Hey, she said, it's gonna be alright. Ok? She cooed gently in his ear hoping that would help in calming him down, Shhhh, it's ok. I'll be here, I promise. He visibly relaxed then looked at her as she was holding him. She looked back at him quickly noticing the single, solitary tear that slid down his cheek. Thanks, he said, thanks a lot. He gave her a hug then kissed her on the cheek. Thanks, he said one last time before returning to the business of going to sleep. Hey, I'm still tired, he said then half joking he added, are you going to join me or can you leave please? She looked at him coyly, Would you mind if I joined you? He quickly looked at her. I was actually kinda joking, but- she interrupted him, I wasn't. He started to think about the wisdom of this decision, Oh, ******** it, he thought. What time do you go to work tomorrow?, He asked her. I go to work at about 9? Why? she asked. Just wondering about your schedule. Alright, Please join me? She smiled a little bit. But, no sex, nothing even close, he warned, at least for a little while. Ok? He looked at her for a moment, she was actually quite attractive. He watched her as she wiggled out of her pajama bottoms. All she was wearing was a small dark-red tanktop with pink hearts on it and a dark-red pair of panties. You always wear that to bed? he asked. Yeah, I like the feel of the blankets on my bare skin. Uh-huh, he replied, well, good night. He got in bed with little effort. He was dressed in his undershirt and some boxer briefs. Come on, he said holding up the blanket for her. She climbed in facing him. He covered her until she was snuggled and content. She looked at him, his eyes were closed, he was breathing softly, she reached up and touched his face. Do you like me? she asked. He slowly opened his eyes. Do you like me? he asked. I do, or else I wouldn't have accepted the offer you made. He smiled and replied, Fair enough, I can't like you tonight, not with any romantic feelings, I can appreciate your help and your body, but tonight I still care for Tammy. Abby looked like she was going to cry. Ask me this question tomorrow. Ok? You'll have your answer then, he said. Don't cry. This time he carressed her face. Turn around, he said. She turned around facing away fro him. She felt him slowly envelop her with his arms and brought her toward him. Good night, my dear, he said and five minutes later, he fell asleep. She however waited for an hour to go to sleep just because she was eager to hear what his answer would be and how this could possibly develop into a relationship.

Next: The rest of the house wants to know what Abby and Gregory are doing. Are they going to get together? Or will it fall apart? The rest of the group has a big discussion without Gregory and Abby. Will Abby get what she is fantasizing about?...






User Comments: [1]
Antsu
Community Member





Wed Sep 10, 2008 @ 08:09am


Great details, good omniscient POV (point of view), good tension in story which means higher interest and readability. Omniscient is the most difficult to pull off, and you've done a very good job of it. The reader doesn't feel cheated as you move back and forth between both characters equally, thoughts are displayed when important, and it flows very smoothly. All you need is a tip for format and you're writing very close to hard-copy publishable short story or even novel style. Good job!

A tip for format below:
When dialog changes from one character to another, start a fresh line at the very least, and a fresh paragraph at most, and always encapsulate the spoken words within quotes, using punctuation to match the way the person is speaking, and using italics for thoughts, such as:


[He]* sighed[.] "Ok[ay]," started Gregory, "You know Tammy right?"

Abby nodded back.

"She and I broke up tonight."

Abby sat there for a minute with thoughts racing through her mind, 'yes! he's finally free from that b***h,' 'oh, poor thing why'd this have to happen to him?' 'maybe now he can become MY boyfriend.' As she started fantasizing, his voice brought her back to reality.

"Hey[!]" he snapped, "I told you, didn't I? Now what are you going to say?"

She looked at him kind of funny. "You told me nothing about how it got to that point." she remarked.

* Words or punctuation in [brackets] are slight changes needed to go with the format. Obviously, the finished copy would NOT have any brackets:

He sighed. "Okay," started Gregory, "You know Tammy right?"

Abby nodded back.

"She and I broke up tonight."

Abby sat there for a minute with thoughts racing through her mind, 'yes! he's finally free from that b***h,' 'oh, poor thing why'd this have to happen to him?' 'maybe now he can become MY boyfriend.' As she started fantasizing, his voice brought her back to reality.

"Hey!" he snapped, "I told you, didn't I? Now what are you going to say?"

She looked at him kind of funny. "You told me nothing about how it got to that point." she remarked.


Doubt 'til thou canst doubt no more...doubt is thought and thought is life. Systems which end doubt are devices for drugging thought.
Albert Guerard

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User Comments: [1]
 
 
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