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I've got a deal to get off my chest.

I cannot determine the correct path to take in my current situations. I've maintained what I believed to be right until recently, where the lines have certainly blurred quite a bit. My friend, and by friend I mean someone who used to be more than such, came to me in need. Unable to deny them aid in any aspect of her life, I gave in. I don't want to cause anyone any trouble, but she was desperate and on the verge of tears. Had I not been the same way, I'd have probably tried to make her come to her senses. I never really felt separated from her to begin with, so it wasn't hard being there and making her feel loved again.

Loved... She doesn't use that word at all anymore. I think she curses herself for her bad choices in her current relationship, but I tried to tell her that nothing honest could be a bad choice. It's unfortunate that people change and feelings grow stale, but it doesn't mean that it all meant nothing. I wanted to make her realize that when she started detaching from me before she ran off with her friend, that I felt the same way. My feelings were hurt, and I believed that I had become so open to someone who didn't love me, but it really wasn't like that. She's certainly lost so much that she can never recover, and now she's frustrated with her lover to the point that I never hear any of the happy stories that I used to hear. It makes me sad. As hurt as I was, I wanted those two to work out, because physically they're built for each other in a way that I can never be compatible to my friend. I wanted them both to be happy and go on living their lives as I picked up the pieces and worked myself up again. Of course that seems nigh impossible with the situation now, even though I believe the feelings are there still, because the affection isn't shown anymore.

I've always wanted her back, I would never lie about that fact. I'm also happy that she comes to me when she needs someone to trust or talk to. But I feel guilty that she has to come to me, and that I allow her to essentially make me into her a surrogate lover whenever she needs caring attention. I think I've become too nostalgic, and that it clouds my judgment enough to where I stop questioning the situation. I know it's terribly wrong of me, but I'm just not in power enough to control that right now. I do hope that she can choose the right person for her, and as much as I wish that person were me, I know that she should try to understand and work things out with her lover, because I would. I feel like the thorn in everybody's side at the moment. I actually need her to choose, because I'm becoming more and more close to her since her relationship issues began, and it would let me down easy if she would go back to her lover full of smiles and understanding and resume the happy stories of their life to me. And then there's the shallow hope that she'll be able to say that she loves me once again, but at the rate things are going, I worry about her heart so much that I'd be relieved if I could hear her say that she loved anyone honestly again. I just hope that it's either her lover or me.

Enough about relationship issues though, I had a blast at the Native American Art Market on Sunday (because it was storming crazy Friday to Saturday). I got to look around at beautiful pieces of jewelery that I couldn't afford even if I were employed at the moment, and various other pieces done in the traditional fashion that totally blew my mind. The absolute coolest thing I came across were the knapped knives on antler handles. Those suckers looked expertly done to a near razer edge, and I wanted one so much too, but alas they were too expensive. And as they should be too, even the handles were ornate into the form of eagles. The artist simply complained about how they would never be to what he considered perfect--an evolving ideal that I respect highly in any art--and gave me good tips about how I could get started in the art. The other artist that I had a nice chat with was the Black Bear, a well known Native potter, who went on happily about his potting and how I would need to practice to have my skills down to where I'd be as comfortable as him with clay (I was a mediocre ceramic artist). We went on about the perfection in imperfection and the Native ideals of how symmetry is unnatural and thus ugly. He was an extremely interesting fellow, and I bet I could talk to him for hours without drowning out his words with boredom. We were there for a good while, so we got our fry bread tacos, I took some decent notes of the encounters, and we headed back from Lawrence. Hopefully next year I'll have money in order to buy something nice.

The next festivities I have to look forward to is the Japan Festival at my college. Last year I partook in some of the martial arts and shopping, but I missed out so much because I was late getting there. This time, I'm creating a plan that I will not compromise with, so that I may experience more of it this time. Hopefully I'll be able to get a hold of my dear friend Elizabeth so that she could be my date, but my good sense tells me that she'll be back in Manhattan, and most likely wouldn't exist to the world even if she had been around that Saturday. My next option would be my sparring buddy, because I'm sure he'd love the demos and new katas that we'd learn from the workshops. Sadly again, I'm too broke to purchase any cultural food or snacks, and imported goods aren't going to make it into my collection this year either. I wonder if I've still got some gold bars buried in the back lawn so I could maybe do some shopping...

Finally got around to making a Gaia house, and it seems to be a bit more fun than I imagined it to be. Jacie, Rose, and I all made our houses in the same area jokingly dubbed "Boobville" by our hilarious Jacie. razz It was funny introducing those two together, because they instantaneously got off on the wrong foot, despite their similarities. First off, Jacie had become jealous that I was so chummy with this girl, but I quickly explained that it wasn't quite like she had though, and that I don't jump girl to girl as it would have suggested. =_= But yeah, we've done our bit of hanging around in Gaia Towns and visiting each other's houses. They both seem to think that I decorate nicely, which really didn't occur to me at all, but then I have moments where my mother will find a crap drawing and claim I'm an excellent artist (the drawing wouldn't stand up to any artist that kept practice really <.< wink . So I wonder about those compliments sometimes, but they're welcome still.

I really hope I can get things sorted out, I don't like living in uncertainty because I desire structure as much as I desire affection from people I'm close to. I suppose it's up to my best friend to figure out what's going to happen, and I'll support her decision through to the end. Right now though, I've got to get some sleep, there's an early morning in store for me. Perhaps I'll take another day off from training. My body still feels sickly.