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9.21.05
You know, it really hurts when people place unwanted stress on me. Certain people do it without even knowing it, and on the inside I feel like crying because of it.
That only goes to show that my feelings haven't been completely removed. No matter how much I say, part of me just won't die. And thats the part that still loves. I don't want to love anymore, especially him. All my problems sprung from my time with him and with him no longer here I have come to realize that things have gotten so much better for me. But at that sense of freedom I have suffered a great loss.
I love how the world works sometimes. Someone like him can find a new person right off the bat, when I can't even get someone my age to look at me. Its really fustrating, and it makes me think that there truly is no hope for me.
I don't like thinking about him, I can't even remember his face. Just a body with no striking features with a disembodied voice that I don't even remember. But the memories, and the feelings are still as poignant as the day they were created.
I'm a hypocrite, I keep telling Alexia to just forget about John, while I'm sitting here still feeling the sting of a wound long forgotten. It just hurts, no matter how you look at it.
No one likes to be alone.
As much as I claim I am not, I am still human. (Sadly)
I hate thinking about him, since it makes me sick. I have enough bullshit to deal with even if I never thought about him. I'm just glad I got rid of all his pictures from my computer. Its not like he looks at mine anyway. Plus gazing upon that brooding face sends shockwaves of anger through me. The kind where I just want to kill someone - and could probably do so in a very long and painful way.
So yes, thus conclues another journal entry that no one will read.
Now I'm off to bed, hopefully I have the strength to wake up tomorrow.
*blink*
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