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i have completely screwed myself over for a semi pleasant afterlife. i am going to burn in hell for ten thousand years, boil until i fall apart like overcooked macaroni, bake for an eternity or two, and after that im just gonna sizzle.

apparently you can reach a point of emotional overload where you can feel anything anymore but everything makes you cry.

ive hit that, and, lemme tell you, its waaay below rock bottom. it is the overchewed, flavorless gum picked off the shoe of rock bottoms pet snakes pet flea.

on the upside, nothing hurts.

on the down side, nothing helps.

so ive broken down so many times that i cant even be sure my tear ducts work anymore theyve been so overused. i cry over stupid things like the interne being slow or missing one stupid little prolem on a chemistry test or even seeing two people hug.

its lame as ********, which is pretty damn lame in case you had any doubts as to the lameness of ********.

so friday was homecoming. i couldnt feel anything other than weighted down when i woke up at my cousins house. i walked with him to his bus stop and met up with this very sexy chick with whom id been locked in a heated battle for some guy who shouldnt mean anything to anyone, especially me.

we had a really good conversation.

oh and by the way one of our mutual friends is supposed to give me a note from my "reformed" stoner ex who is currently trying to get me to take him back. my mommy helped me come up with a good way to tell him to piss off. i havent read the note yet. i get it friday night.

so i got to go to my school and stand around pretending everything was alright but my quote unqoute escort to the homecoming dance was gonna go paintballing with his quote unquote best friend for the dudes birthday. i told him to hit him in the face for me.

so i ended up in debt to a loan shark of a freshman to pay for my freshmans ticket. i owe a whopping dollar twentyfive.

on the subject of my freshman, i told her she cant date in high school until after or on halloween. fair, right? specially since the dude in question is a perverted friend of mine whos been hitting on her for the whole year already.

so after my chemistry class and my flunked one whopping question i got to see my dude who shouldnt matter. im not allowed to see him a lot now by my own rules so i dont pull some stupid stunt like the one i will eventually bring up here.

i gave him back his key.

kay so when we were together over the summer i gave him an old key and told him it was the key to my heart. technically since i met him my heart was his since this chick hes now dating again made me give him a suicide note last winter (my clearest freshman year memory of him).

when we went out a few weeks ago he gave me a key also.

but his heart isnt mine never was, and more likely than not probably never will be. so i gave it back with the explanation in the above sentence. he started apologizing again, but i got mad about that again because i know hes not sorry. by the way, dude, if you read this: no matter what you put me through and all that crap, id do it all over again in a heartbeat.

but i gave it back in a failed attempt to free myself from this numbness, but, like i said, failed.

went to anime club and was exhausted from not feeling anything which is apparently hard work. try not talking for a day and its half as bad as forcing yourself to act like you can feel things.

my dear pet stalker (not really but he goes out of his way to walk me home a lot after late band practices a lot) was sitting on the floor so i used him as a human pillow. hes very comfy.

later at the game we band losers get third quarter off so m freshman, my pet stalker, my "mommy" (this junior who looks out for me a lot especially lately) and i went to go sit with some of our fellow anime club losers.

were sitting in the stands and i swear to god i was falling asleep and just using him as a pillow again but he started making out with me. whatever, he started it, he knew what he was getting himself into, so i returned the gesture.

my lovely not-lover (shes taken. damn.) started picking on me cuz i give her and her man a hard time about pda but we beat them apparently.

my "mommy" got pissed at me because friends dont get too friendly with friends on the rebound. im not on the rebound. that would mean it was my idea which it wasnt.

i cannot be held responsible for my actions when im not aware of what my actions are.

later on after the game and after the band got chewed out for bad behavior and pda all over the place, my freshman, pet stalker, not-lover, her man, and another random freshman and i got to the dance.

my pet and i got in trouble with all the admin, half the teachers, and some parent chaperones for pda. scratch that. i got in trouble, he didnt.

again, i cannot be held responsible for my reactions when im half asleep.

anyways, im going to hell for sure now with no way out.

he took everything seriously, but i cannot be held responsible yadda yadda yadda...

one of my best friends is completely in love with this pet of mine and this just happens to be the friend that will beat you down first and ask questions later. everyone should have a friend like that. everyone should know not to piss that friend off.

i have no feelings whatsoever for this guy but apparently i was leading him on.

i have to deal with my stoner.

with all this excitement i forgot to do my essay which is a test and is due in exactly ten hours from when i am writing this.

i now have to explain to my "reformed" stoner why i cannot take him back.

i also have to explain my moodlessness to the dude who i gave the key to without pissing off his girlfriend (my ex also, by the way).

and i dont give a damn.

i probably just let all this ferment for a week or so before dealing with this and in the meanwhile have another breakdown for filing history because i didnt finish my essay.

oh well.

screw it.

its not going to matter when all is said and done, after everyone involved is dead, gone, and done for.

worst comes to worst, we will all burn in hell for ten thousand years, boil until we fall apart like overcooked macaroni, bake for an eternity or two, and after that were just gonna sizzle together.