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Can I resign now?
Today has been dis-satisfying, at best.
It has been feeling like rain all day-
even though it isn't the season for it.
You can feel rain coming down-
snow you can't.
Band was okay,
almost fell asleep during science and spanish.
We got to do hw and watch a vid during phy ed (the blood drive was going on),
and lit/comp drew me into a trance, as usual.
The problem starts with 6th hour. Geometry.
There were two boys handing out papers.
I happen to really like one of them.
They knew I was there-
I was impossible to miss.
Somehow, they missed me.
My papers were handed back to the front,
with the absent kids' papers.
I was aware enough to notice, but said nothing.
I got it later.
I don't know who purposely did that.
I don't really wanna know.
Because today I might fall out of love.
Like I did,
many years ago,
with someone else.
I think I have been out of love with him for a while-
it just took me this long to acknowledge it as that.
I could feel something was different when I looked at him,
I guess I don't like him anymore.
When I realized this,
I was out of it for the rest of the day.
Still am.
I want to cry,
but I've known this for a really long time.
I had prepared myself for this fact.
But still...
And the other crush is gone, too.
I am now alone.
Wouldn't be the first time,
won't be the last.

The day went by in oblivion.
The hours sped by fast,
and I could feel something wasn't right.
It rained in me today.
And I still haven't cried.

I found a bottle of water in the fridge-
how appropriate that it is tap water,
which tastes of warm summer days
quenching my thirst under the windmill.

My music is calming now-
mostly.
I crave hard rock more than anything right now.
That, or old Johnny Cash classic country.
I don't have the song that's been sticking to me all day in my mp3,
so I'm substituting it by cranking the volume up on other songs.
I want it,
but I can't have it.
Sounds familiar?

I think once I have my feelings more in order,
I will write a special entry for him.
Commemorating what never happened, you might say.


All this makes me think that I don't really want to go to the dance tomorrow night.
Unless my friends are there with me,
it would be living hell.
It's like I just popped a zit.
Now we wait for a scab to form,
and from there it will heal.
You don't pick at the scab, or it gets worse.
I don't want to go too deep into theorizing this-
because by "it gets worse" could mean two things.
Of which one has already happened.
For the most part, anyways.

I am holding on to just an iota of a piece of this broken mirror.
I want to cry,
but I can't.
This has been in the works for 7 years.
Let me get my feelings in order,
then I'll take appropriate actions.

For now,
this day has been rainy.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.