Everyday I think about what I have lost in the past 3 years. I've cried, laughed, yelled, & been miserable. The thing I miss the most is my father. I was only 15 when he was killed in a car accident on July 4th. I replay the last time I saw him in my head almost everyday. We were having another fight like usual about something stupid, he started to say I was useless & I screamed at him that I hoped he burned in hell & I didn't care if he died. Later that night at like 4 I heard my dog barking so I went to see what was all the noise was about, that's when my mom told me that my dad was in a car accident & he didn't make it. What I said to him haunted me for months & still haunts me. I just want to go back in time & change everything I said to him. I know I couldn't change the fact that he had to die since it was his time, but I would've hugged him & kissed him one more time & told him I loved him, not that I wanted him to burn in hell. It wasn't fair for me to say those things to him. He was the best dad in the world & I couldn't ask for a better one. Everyday my heart breaks more from knowing I'm not going to have him there at my wedding to walk me down the aisle, see me graduate high school & college, be there to see his grandchildren, or see what I turn out to be. I feel like I shouldn't be here right cuz it's not fair that I'm here living life when he should be, not me. It makes no sense I've suffered so much in my life & he was just taken away from me. I need him for his guidance & protection & I don't have that anymore. My life seems like it's falling apart. All I need to figure everything out is to talk to him one more time... To see if he's proud of who I am... To see if he ever forgave me for what I said to him... To get to tell him I love him again... I need to be set on the right path cuz I'm all turned around with no way to know which path to choose. I need that closure in my life to move on & let go. Without knowing anything will only keep me dwelling in the past & keep me from being the person he wants me to be. I don't know anything anymore I'm just wandering lost & confused. I need help & it's only the help my father could have ever given me & I don't know who I can go too, to get this help that I need... Am I to remain lost forever? Or can I get the option of seeing my father one more time...
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My Rambling Thoughts
Just a place i like to express myself & say what I'm feeling & say how I feel about certain subjects
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