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i almost cried at ariel's house right now. cuz like... vanessa called.

again.

and i hate myself so much for not being able to talk to her.

i havent talked to her since... *thinks* thanksgiving break.

and it wasnt even for that long. her phone was being retarded and i could barely hear her.

i hate myself because i promised her that if she didnt get friends quick, then she could always call me. and i would always be there for her.

and i failed.

but everytime she calls, im either at an important situation, (like if im with my dad) im around my family (they say its really rude when your with family and your on the phone with a 'friend'. but its not like i can really call them 'family' because what the ******** have they ever done to make a difference in my life???)

or im eating, or im just plain, flat out BUSY!

ive left her alone and i know it!

s**t, if i were her, i would just stop calling. if i needed a friend and they never gave a ********, i would have given up a long time ago.

how do i call her back?

just be like 'oh hey vanessa, sorry i never answered any of your calls, ive just been kinda busy lately.'

i feel like she-it...

if she knew i had learned to cook, she would be so phyced and happy for me.

i mean, shes witnessed a bit of things ive gone through and she was always there to help me.

and what have i done?

nothing.

goddamnit... sorry if this is so graphic, but i think it kinda needs to be recognized.

like, has everybody stayed in contact with her except me?

cuz if thats true, i give you full permission to walk up to me and hit me as hard as you can and i promise i wont do anything. seriously.

well. i guess ive run out of things to say. so now im going to stay up for a little while longer and feel bad about myself. even though im being totally hypocritical i dont care.

so.. goodbye