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Last night had to have been one of the most eye opening nights for me in a long time.
I'm alone.
Now just in the aspects of a relationship, but with friends, family, school, work, I am completely alone. No one really notices this because I try so desperately to make it look like I'm okay. The stupid jokes, the odd actions, they all play a role in what I try to create for myself, but in the end it just fails.
I have lost so much this year, perhaps that is a cause to this lonliness. I lost three best friends this year, all to someone else. Friends are not enough it seems, that significant other can do things that a normal friend would not do. It just hurts feeling like you're the only person that's looking from the outside in.
Normally I'm a very happy person around Tiffany and Jen, but something inside me shattered last night. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't cry, I couldn't protest, I just sat there not saying a thing; but thinking. I'm not sure what went through my head last night, but the feelings made a bigger impression. I hate feeling like I'm an outsider, maybe I am since I have no defining feature to myself. Jen is the "smart one", Tiffany is the "pretty one", April is the "elusive one", Andrea is the "talented one", Alexia is the "normal one", but what am I? What am I in the grand scheme of things? No one has ever placed a finger on what I am, and what I can do. I should be the judge of what I think I am, but I thought I was the smart one. I was wrong for that, the pretty one, wrong again.
As cliche and emo as it may seem, I just want somewhere I belong.
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