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Knight of the Rose
Short story written by Dark_Prince_Alexander
Chapter 1: The Proposal
Trumpets blared out a loud introduction tune as a man adorned in heavy black armor entered the enormous palace, his matching cape trailing behind him as his dragon head shaped helmet masked his face. The stranger looked around the entrance hall, taking in every detail of the room from the granite flooring and marble staircase to the crystal chandelier hanging above and the oil paintings hung on the walls.
There was a young man that ran up to him and bowed. The boy was adorned in the simplest of clothes, but judging by the sash that he wore with the seal of the kingdom this new comer assumed that he was a servant of the royals. The man returned the gesture and followed the younger man to a nearby room.
The two stopped in front of pair of large wooden door. The younger one turned to the metal clad figure and spoke nervously, “Please wait here while I introduce you.” There was a slight nod of the helmet and the servant slipped past the doors. The man stood before the doors, his eyes gazing at the polished, wooden barrier through the slits in his face guard. On the other side, he faintly heard the voice of the servant call out, “Presenting, Kaiser fon Rosen. Duke of Naden and General of the 11th Jaiderian Fleet!”
The wooden barrier was pulled inward and a bright light shined on Kaiser, glinting off his shining armor. He began walking forward into the audience chamber, which was very similar in design to what he has seen so far of the palace. There was a long carpet that stretched from the doors to the foot of the two golden thrones at the other end of the room. As he followed the scarlet and gold-embroidered carpet, he noticed the statues of various rulers staring down at him with their bleach white eyes.
The walk to the end of the hallway seemed much longer than it really was, but Kaiser had managed to reach the edge of the two thrones. He got down on one knee and lowered his head, then speaking with an echoed voice, “Hail Esmedella, Queen of Jaideria.” The duke looked up, still on one knee, to see the image of the queen.
During his last visit to the capital, Esmedella was the very image of a saint. Dressed in white, long golden blonde hair glistening in the sunlight, blue eyes that shined with passionate life, a soft smile was always on her face, and there just seemed to be a glow of pure happiness emerging from her very presence. That was no longer the case. The once radiant queen was now the opposite of what she once appeared to him. Esmedella was dressed in a black dress with a veil that was pulled back just enough to show her face. Her smile no longer existed and stains of her tears had covered her cheeks. Her hair lost its luster and her eyes became dull. The once pure light that reached forward to those around her was now suppressed and out of the reach of others. She held out her hand and motioned for him to speak at will.
Kaiser remained in his spot and lowered his head slightly. “Your Highness, allow me to speak for the people of Naden,” he said simply. When no response was given, he proceeded. “After the death of King Rayze, we were all stricken with grieve. Everyone from the soldiers to the sky pirates that live on the ports, we grieved for his death and hope for --” Kaiser was cut off by a soft voice. “That is enough.”
He looked up to see the Queen lowering her hand. She spoke again with her soft voice. “Please do not continue. The pain has been great and if you were to go on, I would not be able to prevent myself from crying.” Kaiser lowered his head and said, “Forgive me.” Esmedella shook her head. “There is no need to apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. But, please, stand and remove your helm so that we may see your face.”
Kaiser slowly stood up, ignoring the slight pain in his knee and reached up to his helmet. He lowered his head and began to unbuckle the helmet from the rest of his armor. When he removed the dragon-like helm, his face was unlike the armor that hid it. His skin was of a light bronze color caused by many hours in the sun of the Naden coast. The blue-grey of his eyes are very rare and very perplexing, even to those who aren’t of his species. His dirty blonde hair was cut short and spiked back as to prevent his sight from being impaired. With the dragon shaped helmet in hand, his armor, and the way he presented himself, Kaiser was the image of the perfect soldier.
Queen Esmedella nodded her head in approval and said, “That’s much better. Now we can move on to why you have been summoned.” He bowed his head slightly, recalling the letter he received from the Queen about needed him to come before her immediately. This raised an alarm in his head and he set off for the palace a few hours later from Naden.
Kaiser stood there in a dignified position as he allowed the widowed queen to speak. “Since the death of my husband, there have been many matters of grave importance that I must address. Firstly, who is to rule.” He noticed her lowering her head slightly as she spoke. “Since Rayze and I have no children, the crown would pass on to his closest relative. He, however, left a letter with his final wishes. They include that when he is to die that I am to rule in his stead, with or without a husband.” Kaiser looked at Esmedella with shock. Never in the history of their nation has a Queen ever ruled without a King at her side. It was obvious that Rayze knew what to do in the off chance that he were to die without an heir.
“This has brought many other issues,” she continued. “Since I am no longer married, my advisors have told me that suitors may send letters in hopes of wedding me and becoming the king. Another issue is my safety. Seeing as how I am an already powerful woman who has just been given an immense amount of power, my advisors warn me that someone may attempt to assassinate me.” Kaiser knew just where this was going. “I wish to ask you, Kaiser fon Rosen, to be my personal guard to protect me from possible assassins and suitors who may wish to harm me.”
Suddenly, a man dressed in purple silk robes came rushing forward. He bowed to the queen and then proceeded to her side. In a nervous voice, he spoke. “My lady, I’m not so certain that your decision is a wise one.” She looked at the advisor with a questioning look. Without even having to say anything, he understood what she was trying to say. The purple robed man licked his lips and said, “The fact of the matter is that Kaiser fon Rosen is the Duke of Naden and a possible suitor for you. Asking him to be your guard would be the same as asking any other suitor.”
Kaiser felt insulted, but not enough to harm the man. Just as Queen Esmedella was about to respond, he interrupted with a cough. The two silenced and turned to face the armor adorned general as he spoke. “My lady, there is sense in his logic and he is right about me being a potential suitor.” The advisor smiled slightly. “But I will not be such,” Kaiser said, wiping the smile from his face.
“My duties lie to my country and to my Queen. Not my position of nobility or power,” he said. Kaiser snapped his fingers and a servant came rushing forward. He whispered into his ear and the boy was off. The duke faced the Queen and her advisor again. “As the Duke of Naden, I must refuse your proposal. But as the General of the Jaiderian 11th Fleet, I am obligated to accept your commands without question and do as you say.” The boy came back in carrying a sword. Kaiser held out his hand and clutched the blade as the servant boy handed it to him. He approached the foot of the throne, bent on one knee, placing the helmet next to him, lowered his head, and presented his sheathed sword to Esmedella. “I offer you my services and my sword to do with as you see fit. If you accept, I swear to do as you say and show loyalty only to you. Until you release me or until death take me.”
Kaiser couldn’t see their faces, but he could feel the tension coming from their disbelief. Here was the so called perfect officer of the military bowing down to the Queen and swearing to become her personal guard. He stayed in that position with the sword held out. The Queen took the blade from his hands, unsheathed it, and laid the flat of the blade on his left shoulder. “I do accept your services and I swear to treat you as my equal and never to abuse you,” she said.
Esmedella sheathed the blade again and said, “Rise, Sir Kaiser.” He did as he was told, grabbing the helmet on his way up, and looked at his new mistress. She handed him the blade and nodded. “I’m quite glad that you are my guard rather than another. You’re one of the few I can trust,” she said. Kaiser nodded back and responded. “I’m glad to be the one protecting you.”
Esmedella motioned for her advisor to leave and began to speak when he left. “Your room is on the third floor, directly next to my own. I will show you the way.” She got to her feet and lead the way out of the audience chamber with Kaiser close behind her.
Once they were outside of his room, she turned to face him and said, “Here is where you’ll sleep. It’s quite late and dinner was ended close to an hour ago. I can have something brought up to you if you wish.” He shook his head and responded blandly. “No thank you.” Esmedella nodded and motioned to the door. “Then you may want to get some rest. I have much to do tomorrow and you shall be with me the entire time.” Kaiser nodded and just as he was about to turn to the go into the bedroom, the Queen wrapped her arms around him. She then spoke softly. “I’m glad that you accepted. I’d rather have you guard me. I’d rather have my big brother protect me than anyone else.”
Kaiser hugged Esmedella back with the helmet in one hand and the sword in the other. They weren’t really siblings, but they were close enough to be so. When they parted, she smiled as she entered her own room and shut the door. He sighed and opened his bedroom door. Kaiser thought one thing: If this is what it‘s like the night before, what will tomorrow be like?






User Comments: [2] [add]
-Gone_Forever-444
Community Member
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commentCommented on: Thu Jun 11, 2009 @ 05:15am
One word. Wow....


[[ btw i sent a profile in to join a rp u made earlier and i was bored so i read ur profile then saw ur journal and decided to read it... so ya.... lol ]]


commentCommented on: Mon Sep 07, 2009 @ 02:46am
HI THERE. So, I've finally gotten around to reading around the first chapter, and I'm really liking it! mrgreen Because I like to do the not-so-nice stuff first to wash it all away with compliments afterward, I'll start with that:

Mainly, I spotted issues with grammar and tenses. For example, when you were describing Kaiser after he removed his helm, I noticed that in the second sentence you suddenly went to present tense, and it really confused me, because all the others were in another tense. Instead of, "The blue-grey of his eyes are very rare and very perplexing, even to those who aren’t of his species,", it should be, "The blue-grey of his eyes were very rare and very perplexing, even to those who weren’t of his species."

Also, "He bowed his head slightly, recalling the letter he received from the Queen about needed him to come before her immediately. This raised an alarm in his head and he set off for the palace a few hours later from Naden." That was another thing that sorta confused me at first, because you were using present tense for something that had happened in the past. Maybe change it to, "He bowed his head slightly, recalling the letter he had received from the Queen about needed him to come before her immediately. This had raised an alarm in his head and he had set off for the palace a few hours later from Naden."

And then, just one other minor tense thing: "Never in the history of their nation has a Queen ever ruled without a King at her side. It was obvious that Rayze knew what to do in the off chance that he were to die without an heir." As this also happened in the past (especially when mentioning deceased people), it should be more like, "Never in the history of their nation had a Queen ever ruled without a King at her side. It was obvious that Rayze had known what to do in the off chance that he were to die without an heir." The first sentence of that might have been correct, if Kaiser or someone had been speaking, but keep tenses in mind whether you're writing dialogue or descriptions.

Moving on from tenses, just a few suggestions I want to make. One of the things that tend to get on my nerves when others write dialogue is if they don't put indents between sentences spoken by two different people. Exceptions can be made, but when it comes to things like, "Everyone from the soldiers to the sky pirates that live on the ports, we grieved for his death and hope for --” Kaiser was cut off by a soft voice. “That is enough," you ought to make the latter sentence the next line, so we know someone else has started speaking. There are other places where I spotted this issue, but they're minor enough I won't mention them, unless you REALLY want to know, lol.

Now just one last thing, to perhaps improve the intro to this piece. It's hard to explain what I mean here, so bear with me, lol. When it comes to introductions to stories that almost immediately describe a character-- especially in the first line or paragraph, I feel that it loses some of its suspenseful power. Admittedly, you only partially described Kaiser, since he was wearing armor to hide his appearance, but I think it's best not to immediately let the audience know what he looks like. You can keep it in there, but perhaps start off with a description of what the palace looks like, or even the weather. rofl Just keep in mind the human curiosity: don't almost immediately give away a vital piece of information like that. Rather, make it a tease, so the reader will want to keep reading to satisfy their curiosity-- suspense is your best friend when it comes to writing.

*breathes in deeply* Now that that's over with, it's still really good so far! Overlooking the errors, I still enjoyed it, although truthfully, I might be more excited to know what happens next if I didn't already know, lol. In the future, you really ought to keep quiet around people who might be potential readers. razz NO MORE SPOILERS, MISTER, because I won't give you any about mine. Anyhoo, to say things I liked: what really stood out to me most of all was the way you described the queen. I love how you shifted from telling us how glorious she used to be, and now how she's lost her luster, all while I got a perfect image of how she looked. Your way of describing things in general is beautiful, and I always love imagery the most in a story.

So, be sure to watch for my next review! Unfortunately, especially given how much time it took me to write this critique, I may not review as often as I would like, but I'll still try to do so for every chapter! I'm grateful that they're short chapters, anyway. lol Until next time, keep writing!



Dramaya
Community Member
User Comments: [2] [add]
 
 
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