Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

lets start with middle school

i was a fat kid made fun of by all no real friends but Joe. (may he rest in peace) first my grandmother past from cancer i don't know what kind. soon my father met a women at work and hit it off the started to date for a month then got married a few years latter she died of cancer. i walked in and seen may day sitting at the table the bed room door open my mother was gone dead and i could not cry. i know some people say a real man don't cry my father told me what happened and started to cry though i wanted to no tears came out then i was about 14 or 15 maybe 16. im know 18 and i found out my dad my have cancer and to this day i still cant cry a tear here a tear there but nothing i have not truly cried since i was about 13.

high school

as before i told of my friend Joe my first best friend he was shoot in the head he was with a few friends and family he was messing with a loaded gun he put it to his head not knowing it was loaded and fired killing him self when i heard i lost one of my best friends that hurt my bad my and some of his other friends met in a class gave him peace and wrote letters to his mom and brother i learned out of all his friends i knew him the since 3th grade making me his oldest friend in the school. in high school like many elametry school friends we grew apart and seen less of each other.

now

i live with the pain of the past and i know i will have more like everyone will. its harder to live with pain when you don't know how to let it out or worse you know how but you don't have the power. i cant cry though emotions even if i want to sometime i want to stab myself with a knife just to cry because i know that's the only i can cry physical pain.

the worst part of pain is when your strongest fear comes true and no matter who every one have a fear many intact. my biggest fear is losing not a game but those i love friends and family i had to endure that three times already but i was not super close with those people. i fear losing the one i love most my father if i lost him i would be lost having no idea what to do or how to do anything