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I've been working on this note awhile and just adding to it to write down my pain...Its...to my mother... But Im not going to show it to her...

"Does it make me horrible since Im not like you?! Must you always put me down and make me feel like s**t?! I hated myself for so long and I wasnt close to God and now I am but it feels like your shoving me away from Him too! I can't help but cry as I write this because I know you'll think Im crying for other reasons... Im not THAT imature.... D: If you say you love me why does it seem like thats not true? You'll just get mad if you read this... You say you know how I feel but you dont so stop lying to yourself... I dont cut myself and the only reason I would is just to show you how much you hurt me... But you'll think I cut myself for silly stupid reasons... I shouldnt hate being home because you make me cry... Im not gonna lie... You kill me... You make me want to hurt myself... Ive held a knife to my wrist once after you left the house... I didnt cut myself I was just running it lightly on my skin... Ive cried too much... Should someone be this scared of their mom...? :[ I hate myself even more now... I shouldnt have thoughts that think I should be bleeding right now... Im so hurt *crys more* Im hurting Car... I dont mean to... But its because I put him through my misery... Im so horrible!!! Why cant I do anything right?!?! Does everyone want to hurt me?! Here go ahead take your best DAMN shot! I DARE you! Just KILL me... :[ Do you not hear the pain in my voice or see me when your yelling at me...? I want to die.. *crys harder* I can barely breath... and Im shaking :["