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(not proofread)
so i was just in big bear for a week with my high school cross country team. we run up mountains at altitude for super amazing training and yadayada blahblahblah. i got invited for a week, which is extremely good, because some people dont go at all, or only go half a week, but i have worked my damn a** off (!) to be running in the back of the varsity group (its really hard to get there.. im not TRYING to brag, but this is a feat). so i went up to big bear for a week and ran with some of the varsity girls for all the runs (hard mountain runs in the morning and easy kinda hilly runs in the afternoon. yes, we run twice a day, and yes, it is hell).
when we go up there we rent a cabin that can fit a ton of kids at one time, and the coaches and some alumni (cuz they cant stay away cuz the team is just so damn awesome). so we go up there and are put into rooms with some of our other teammates. we dont get to choose. i got stuck with some of THE most annoying people on the team, but they were also either varsity, or kinda pre-varsity (like me). i didnt really like, well, MOST of the girls i got stuck with, but i didnt want to complain and make the coaches move people around. so i tried to make peace cuz i hafta deal with em till i graduate ne way. so i realized.. my life is one big epic fail. thres this girl on the team who is one of the fastest varsity girls. shes pretty, shes outgoing, shes a dancer, and actor, a singer, (obnoxious and bitchy), an amazing runner. basically.. she has every thing i want without even having to try for it. but me.. i suffer trying to figure out who i am and what i want and how to get it. i dont know what college i want to go to or even what i want to be when i get there. she seems to hav everything figured out and still hav time to have fun AND do amazing in school, whereas my grades are medeocre. i want to be an actress, a singer, a dancer, a runner. i want to do well in school and have a ton of friends and all that hoopla.

but i dont. i cant. i try SO hard in everything i do, but its never enough. here, she has EVERYTHING i want, and she doesnt even try for it at all.

so that was me hating life.

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