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I did something horrible to Zeil today, not out of malicious intent, but I did it all the same. You really don't need to know what it was, just that it was probably the stupidest most hurtful thing I could have done.

Some background on me, I guess. I don't deal with problems like normal people. I don't talk about them, if something goes awry I just sit in a dark room and quietly cry until I manage to get control of myself again. Unfortunately, the problems don't go away, the guilt doesn't go away, the memory doesn't go away. It piles up on top of me along with all the other problems, guilts and memories.

I have so much trouble remembering the good things I've done, the fun I've had. Yet I can remember more bad things that I've done than I care to count, and today's action is going into that list for sure. I remember lies I've told, animals I've hurt, people I've disappointed, people I've hurt, things I've stolen. All of it, all of the worst things I've ever done are sitting just below the surface of my conscious mind and waiting to overwhelm me.

The older I get, the more I begin to suspect that my death will be a suicide. I've thought about it a lot, and it seems like I'm thinking about it more often now. There's a pocket knife on my desk that I keep looking at, and every time I wonder if this will be the time I actually kill myself with it.

I've done a lot of posts in here, all of them public. I'm beginning to think that the only reason I actually post anything in here is because I know nobody actually reads it. If someone is reading this I do have a few things to say, Thank you for your time; if I do decide to kill myself (which I doubt would be any time soon if I did) I'll be sure to let you know.