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I am so confused & hurt right now..

First, I started liking a guy at school and it was going fine.

Then I told Sean randomly to stop creeping me out. He liked to creep me out by turning me on a little. He said he would stop because of something.. The reason I told him to stop was because I liked a guy, though he didn't care. So then he creeped me out on Friday. I told him I might start liking him, too.

Well guess what.... I do.

And the thing is.. It sucks! Every time I think I might have found someone, SOMETHING screws up!

And I haven't dated in over three years, so I was hoping I could find someone special in my life. And even though I'm picky, I just so happen to find a person I might like.

So now... It ends up I like two people. It's very conflicting; the way I fall in love is very narrow and only room for one.. Liking two people doesn't feel right to me!

I don't know if Tyler likes me.. In fact, I'm really unsure about him. He's so shy and I'm shy as well, so it's extremely hard just to look over and say hi. Then Sean... He doesn't obviously. Nor did he care that I would start to like him. His responses to that were, "I know a lot of girls that like me.", "I don't really care.". He also said "Stop whining Heather." when I told him that I might start liking him. Though I know Sean, I'm smarter than him. How? I know that a person is different in a relationship than a friendship. So even though he doesn't always treat me kindly at all, I know he'd be different in a relationship. He thinks he really knows me... But he doesn't. Especially in a relationship.

Now then.. I don't like to brag, I am stating facts.

It is true that I had a few bad relationships, but I learned from that.. So, this is how I am in a relationship...

If I loved a man, I would be supportive of what he did, or wanted to try. If there was something I needed to tell him, he'd be the first to know. I would never look at another male and find him attractive. I'm very committed. In fact, I wouldn't notice them at all. You could put the sexiest man in the world in front of me, and nothing would happen. (I wouldn't stare at him. I wouldn't look at him) I would only think of my special person. I'm very loving - I don't smother. I'm caring, so I'd be worried about him getting hurt; I would be upset if someone had done the hurting, and want to help if it was something like a cut. If someone made him angry, I would stand by his side and try to comfort him; calm him down. I'm affectionate as well. Also... I am pretty odd when it comes to love. When I fall in love with someone, I could spend the rest of my life with them. It's so easy to fall in love and stay in love.. When someone leaves me, it's extremely hard to get out of love. I remain heartbroken until I fall in love. Then, I no longer feel heartbroken. I never think about the person again. Just my lover. Also, when in a relationship, I'm pretty much so happy, I just want to make him happy. Even if it ends up hurting me. I won't regret it. I'm shy with that person. So if it ends up a friend I love, I'm shy around them, too. I've become an easy blusher, if that's any good.


So, here I am, torn between two people. I can't choose either because I don't know their TRUE feelings. Yeah, it's easy to fall in love with them - however painful it should be - but it's hard not knowing.

All I can do is ask myself, "What do I do?!" and cry at night because I like two people who don't notice me, and cry in the day. Where one's too shy and the other who doesn't care, despite the things he had said in the past that meant he would like me, if not for his non dating thing.. And he might be liking someone else. How ironic, eh?

And throughout all this... I'm sick and on my monthly! I got pretty much high off of my fever & lose of blood, and got all hyper. I felt like I could joyously run around even though my body hurt, my eyes slightly burned, and my stomach was upset.. Even though I was extremely depressed, and my heart ached. I watched some funny things like "The ultimate show down" and "that guy with the glasses" and "The alphabet song" (The drunk guy singing) and laughed my a** off instead of crying like I should be. My monthly actually fueled my emotions this time. I was excited, hyper, energized, and happy yet deeply wounded (emotionally) for almost no ******** reason! I'm glad I wasn't hallucinating though! So I've been sick all ******** weekend. Even though it's Monday now, I'm still sick. I'm still exhausted, and I'm still slightly hyper. I wish that I was held by someone I could love so I could sleep, so I could not worry about relationships, so I could be happy, and so that this sickness would go away.

Although, when or only if I can have or can only like one while the other basically says no, or they both say no, this will be way worse than just a high fever.. I won't take care of myself again. I loose all drive to do much of anything. Don't take me wrong. I don't want to die.. I just.. Don't take care of myself. Don't eat much, don't sleep much.. I just try to sleep, I cry, and I go on the computer everyday. And maybe eat one meal a day. That's it. No one can just slap me and "snap" me out of it. Because, there's nothing there to "knock some sense in to." It's how I work, and the only way to cure it is pretty much pointless because the same thing happens again.. So someone I like can't tell me I need to find someone else; I don't want anyone else. They can't tell me to take care of myself and get a grip; That's hard to do when I can't put myself together and swallowing any food feels like needles.

Though people think I'm whining or Bullshiting.. They can keep saying it, but.. I'm being serious and alerting those in case I end up that way.