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So A Year Has Passed....
Wow. So much has happened this pass year. I've gone from not knowing who the hell i was to finding out what I like and how I want to live my life. Goodness, what a ride! I mean, I probably went through TONS of different things to find out who I really was. I went from country to emo to ghetto and so on.... Really, in the end, I realized that I always knew who I was, I just didn't want to be that person because I felt that culture and life today disapproved of who I really was. In the end, though, it wasn't culture. It was me. I was afraid to be myself becaus I was too afraid of what people would say and think, so I hid. I hid behind curtains of stereotypes, hoping that somehow that I could blend in and that people could like me without knowing who I really was. All I was doing was hurting myself because I was pushing who I really was aside to live a "fake" life and it unconsciously made me depressed. I lost weight super fast and started cutting myself because I felt unloved. I felt people didn't love me and I didn't love myself. These past few months, through the help of a friend, I've been able to just say screw the world and I've been able to open up. I'm not afraid of how people judge me and I just smile and be myself, and it feels GREAT! Im not afraid to eat anymore and I'm not afraid to be weird. Lol. If people don't like me then I've realized that they're really just not worth my time. I remember saying that all the time but in my heart I knew that I didn't believe it. I couldn't stand people not liking me. I'd conform to what they liked just so they would like me more and I wouldn't feel so alone. I guess it also goes back to the whole parent thing. When I came out to mom I felt like my whole life had shattered and the world had been ripped in two. Her christian life and my gay one. It was horrible. I felt like I had lost my own mother. I had also felt that I had lost myself and God. I mean, I was really tight with the church and when I came out they rejected me. The very place that I had felt at home. I didn't know what to do. What was a teenage boy supposed to do when the church doors are shut in your face and your own mother rejects you? I panicked and hid. Now, Im still not sure about God but at least I am sure about myself. My mom still doesn't understand but one day she will, I hope she will. My dad, on the other hand, will never change. He's as redneck as can be and as long as I'm gay, I'm not his son. He says that he loves me, in awkward ways, but I'm always too afraid to take it as the truth because he has hurt me SO many times. Ugh. And recently he saw me and my (black) boyfriend kissing in the pool house. That was a BIG shocker for him cause not only did he not know that I was gay but he's also racist. Surprise........ sweatdrop Yeah, that's a work in progress but I know what I have to do which is a start. Besides that, life is great. Life at GSA is going fantastic. Im working really hard on my music and it's really showing which is great. Regular school sucks. It's so boring and I'm just tired of doing stuff that doesn't help me in life. As my past vocal teacher once said, "Education without practical application is useless information." He was such a genius. I also have my first long relationship. Well, I don't know if two months counts as long but it's long to me. It's been great and the sex has been fantastic but he's leaving for the Navy soon. I knew that we weren't supposed to be together forever but I can't believe he's leaving so soon. I guess all good things come to and end so all I can do is hope that it goes well. So, that's my life up to this moment. =) Wow, life sure is a roller coaster. 3nodding
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