I'm a teenage female; I'm entitled to change my mindset, opinion, attitude, or decision whenever my hormones feel like it (Or when my mind finally makes itself up).
I feel my heart splitting into not one, or two, or even three, but four pieces, and what happens to those pieces determine what the owners of those four pieces do with them.
For an update to anyone I haven't entirely told everything to (Ellis, John, Matt), that is what this journal entry is for.
I mentioned TJ in my previous entry and how I thought it was a joke that he liked me. Well, he likes me, but not on... Long-term standards? TJ has a long-distance girlfriend a few states over and I found out that they've been dating for like 2 years now. Don't murder me for this decision; it was my own, and so far it's been all right. I can understand the consequences that come with it.
TJ had mentioned him and I dating, as a conveniance. Anyone I liked was long-distance and I knew in my mind that, obviously, nothing was going to happen anytime soon that I wanted. The conveniance was that we both needed someone to keep us company during the distance apart. After a week of deliberating, I decided that I would go with it. We would date until I was happy or until his girlfriend and he could get back together. And I'm fine with it. We have an emotional tie but for him it's more of a "I'll do anything to make you happy" tie. He doesn't care about himself, he just wants me to be happy. Which is one main purpose of the relationship. I was alone, he wanted to help. He's made the promise that he'll always be around for me, and I can accept that.
As the relationship has went on, I've gotten closer. To the point to where I've felt like I almost NEED him around, and when I realised it I backed away considerably; all day I've been trying to get a grip on myself. Sometimes he talks like our relationship could be permanent and I get thrilled, but I know that at the same time it's not what I want. Other times he'll vaguely hint that it won't be due to his other girl,and it breaks my heart. I'll bounce back the next day, but it breaks my heart.
When I start a relationship, I think about long-term. Very long term. Future happiness, marriage, kids, stuff like that. I'm not one for short flings. Sometimes I seem to forget that what he and I have going on ISN'T permanent, but we'll be discussing something, and he'll be like "I don't want kids. I hate them." Just like he also doesn't want a wedding; he thinks they're boring. And that's his decision but since we're dating it still strikes me on a personal level. At the time he's my present, and that's almost all I can see in my future; him. And talking my future down like that is upsetting. But this little fling has been going on 3 months on November 18th.
I honestly haven't felt security in a relationship since Ellis. I miss that sort of security. Yeah, I still regret it. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it now except make sure he's happy, and half the time I can't even do that.
I realized last night that I won't be happy with TJ. Yeah it's nice now, on the personally physical level we have. I guess even I end up a victim to my own lust sometimes. But lately it seems like that's all there ever is. I'm drilling into my head that I'm only temporary to him, and due to that, he's only temporary to me. I'm not the 'perfect' girl he wants. He said months ago that he had the 'perfect girl', she was just too far. Thinking about this now, yes, it upsets me. I wish he felt that I was perfect enough for him. Most boyfriends would say that about their girlfriend.
Now, onto my predicament...
... I've been running from something for 5 years. I've been lying to myself, doing anything and everything I can to stay away from it. The one thing that has ever guaranteed my future for happiness. Everything I've ever wanted; a long-term commitment, a family, a happy home... The one thing I've always been happy with and never upset with. The security my heart is craving for. The dread I feel when I wonder if it's too late; too late to pursue the future that I visualize so fantastically in my mind. We're both not happy, are we? Told you I could never make up my mind. But I've been fighting off how I feel about you for 5 damn years, it's time to make a better decision instead of sitting here suffering just like you are.
Currently, I am physically happy with TJ. But that's for now. After graduation, when it's said and done, (although he's predicting longer, I don't know why) I'm not going to be happy in a long-term relationship with him. Yeah, we're looking at college together, but that's just because I like the campus and he said he'd always be around for me. It's still a security. Just not the security I'm looking for. All of the things that I want, he doesn't. I can't be a victim of my own personal lust anymore. But neither do I want to enjoy him emotionally; it'll be psychologically dangerous when our time is up. I want to love someone. And I know who I love; if I didn't, I wouldn't have been running away from it for this long. lol
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So, this entry is a lot to ingest for a lot of people. As of right now, I know what I want and what I need. I see my future. I just need to keep it in my vision. TJ can carry me away so easily; but he can also bring me crashing back down to earth with a few simple words.
I see a few different guys right now. All whom I care about, but only one that can truly make me happy.
The long-distance relationship I wish I could have but being logical and understanding, it could never work out. But I'll still do everything in my power to help him be happy.
My long-distance ex that I care greatly for. You're like a brother to me now and I never want to lose that. I will also do everything I can in my power to keep you happy.
My current "boyfriend" who is only with me on convenient terms and who I keep around only because he occasionally makes me happy and physically completes me. It's nice being able to hold someone.
The person I see my happy, ever-distant future with... That can only be taken away by his reaction to everything I've said. Apparently I can't make my mind up. Make it up for me!
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I should probably eat and rest up before the football game tonight.
