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World Peace?
Something happened and all the world's population was miraculously stripped of violence, hatred and anger. All was peaceful and people smiled and said "peace" to each other but it didn't mean much because everything was already peaceful, so completely peaceful. It was like if someone came up to you, held their hands out in front of them and said, "air". Yes, it's there but the gesture is one of the emptier ones I've heard. Around this time a few people, well a lot actually, came to my place and asked me to come out and talk to them. I was wary because only a short time earlier they told me there was no room for me in their city on account of all my violence, hatred and anger. The miraculous peace event apparently had no affect on me, so I was politely asked to leave the city limits. I moved to the sticks and hung out with the trees and the animals. It was not half bad. Better than these people running up and hugging me all the time, asking if I wanted to try some sunflower seed bread or if I wanted to get high. So anyway, these people came knocking one morning and asked if I could teach them to hate again. I told them that it could be done but it was going to cost them. I was, of course, thinking of the possible spin-offs, video rights, pay-per-view and other anger related products. So many marches and demonstrations trying to get peace in the world, all those disgusting rock concerts and overblown pseudo-intellectuals like Bob Geldof acting like they were more than money seeking slobs with their noses pressed intently into the panties of empty headed morons like the one he eventually married. The road to peace was a long journey littered with concert t-shirts, Ben And Jerry's "Rainforest Crunch" ice cream containers and stupid songs like "We Are the World" and "I Don't Like Mondays". I asked these laid back intruders why they wanted hatred back in their lives.
"We are ******** bored and we want to ******** s**t up but dammit, we have forgotten how."
Of course this information was rendered in a peaceful manner as they sat on the ground in front of me fingering their beads. In a matter of minutes, I had them signed to a lifetime contract giving me 15% of whatever their action was. Lesson one started immediately.
"All the sluts line up against this wall. Let's go."
No one moved, they just stared at me blankly.
"Don't know who that is? I'll make it easier for you, if you don't have a d**k in your pants, then line the ******** up against this wall."
The women stood up with confused looks on their faces.
"What did you call us?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, you lesbian." I replied. "I meant to say, 'would all of you p***s envying castrators please line the ******** up against the wall.'"
The women's faces broke out in angry scowls and then into broad smiles.
"Thank you for restoring our anger, you typically insecure component of the cowardly, soon-to-be-toppled white male power structure!" One of them said.
"No problem, flat a**." I replied, making sure to address her chest.
One of the guys spoke up. "What about us?" I turned to the men who had all gathered together.
"You guys walk ten paces over there and start throwing rocks at each other's heads."
"When do we stop?"
"When all of you feel the overwhelming urge to run for office," I replied. The women watched the men for awhile and told them what a bunch of boring and violent assholes they were and the men told them that they should be home making babies and pot roast and shutting the ******** up. Away they walked, bickering, back to the city. One of the men turned back and said, "Thanks, ********."
Within days all was well with the world.
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