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Why did sadness suddenly start hitting me now, I was doing fine, but just now, I'm stricken with a wave of sadness... What causes this.. Why does it happen? How can I stop it before it gets worse... I want to know... These question run through my head when this happens.. I can never answer them.. Why is it that the people around me seem so happy all the time, but I can't be.. Why is it when I'm in my room I can mask my sadness.. Why does this hole in my chest keep feeling like its growing.. Whats wrong with me? Why is it that the more I try to fight this sadness the worse it gets? I've got too many questions, I can't answer.. I hope this goes away soon, I don't want to feel like disappearing again, I don't want life to seem like it would be better without me.. I don't want to, want to die again.. I just want to be how I was earlier, sad, but not wanting my life to end.. Where did that feeling go.. I refuse to give this life up, and this sadness won't take it away.. But I wish this sadness would be taken away.. I'm going to continue trying to get rid of it.. I don't want to fall asleep again nearly in tears...

(I try to scream at my brain to stop when its dive down into this depression, I try to step outside for some fresh air when this happens, I try to do something fun or something that won't make me sad.. WHY why doesn't it work.. Why can't any of this stop me from getting worse.. Why do I feel like I can't go on.. Why does this damn hole keep growing.. I'm starting to hate myself for being how I am.. To hate myself for not being able to make myself happy.. Hate myself.. Hate myself.... But even so.. I keep pushing forward.. why? Because when my dream comes true, I hope these feelings with be washed away.. To be cleansed from my mind and body, to never return with such intensity.. I just wish I could be a little stronger, strong enough to purge myself of these feelings of despair.. To make someone happy...)

Edit: This pain is quickly growing and I don't know why.. I hate this.. I hate myself.. I'm trying to get this to go away, to lose this sadness, I want to die..

I feel like the one I love will hate me for being so weak.. I wonder why anyone would care about me.. When Recently all too often I can't care about myself.. I do my best to, but its all I can do, please don't hate me, please forgive my weakness, please don't be mad at me for my weakness...