Clinical happiness strikes 20 million people in the United States. This major issue is largely undiagnosed in the medical community due to the fact that many people suffering from it are too busy loving their lives. While the people around them may find their conditions unnerving, they deny that there is an issue with their outlook on the world. Symptoms of this annoying disease are optimism, chronic smiling, excessive dancing, threats to treat themselves as wonderful individuals, unreasonable amounts of hugging, extreme bouts of charitable work, and any amount of skipping.
If a loved one is afflicted with clinical happiness, the first instinct of most people is to subject these victims to solitary confinement until their cheerfulness subsides. This will only worsen the condition as the happy will likely take the time to meditate or sing songs from Mama Mia. The person should be surrounded by friends and family to let her know that she does not have to get through this alone. Certain activities to help the happy get through this tough time are a dull night of sitting at home watching CNN, playing Go Fish, or going to visit terminally ill children at the hospital.
In moderate to severe cases of clinical happiness, talk to a doctor, and extreme measures can be taken. A new drug approved by the FDA, Despondex, will reduce the amount of exuberance in the patient’s lifestyle. Studies have shown a decrease of as much as 50% of squealing in public situations and 75% of pastry baking.
This drug, however, does not cure all aspects of clinical happiness. Some of those annoying bastards may be resistant. The next step of the procedure involves institutionalizing the happy. Subjecting them to watch Million Dollar Baby, A Walk to Remember, and Schindler’s List for 48 hours straight creates feelings of distrust and hopelessness. Once released, the person is given 1984 and a complete collection of John Steinbeck novels. These are to be read every night until all attempts to plan President’s Day parties subside.
Finally, if the clinical happiness comes back after The Grapes of Wrath is read, the condition is considered incurable. These cases can be placed in the hands of the government where they will be taken behind the chemical sheds and shot.
Clinical happiness can be tough, but the patient doesn’t have to go through it alone. This serious condition can be treated, and those around the happy don’t have to put up with all the plans for light jogging in the park any longer. These simple steps are great leaps for the fight against happiness.
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ScarlettSwan
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