Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

He had sat by her for days, for weeks, for months. He had sat by her all year, shed never missed a day.
Now she was gone, and he knew that she would never be back. "killed herself, so young..."
the words echoed reapeatedly in his head. He slumped onto his desk and stared at hers.
For just one second he closed his eyes and pretended she was there, sitting next to him again, smiling,
and chattering at him, laughing when he didn't. Why are you always so cold? Why don't you talk to me?
It's not like I'm diseased or something, she had once said. Laughing nervously when he rolled his eyes,
he wondered now what would have happened if he had laughed too. If he had smiled and said, "sorry." He
sneaked a peak at her from his peripheral vision, she looked like a kicked puppy, staring ath the floor,
but her just turned away, trying to ignore the little voice in his head, "she's beautiful and she likes you,
g8ve her a chance..." but he ignored it. When he rode the bus home, he saw the empty seat infront of his.
"killed herself, so young, no friends" and bit back a sob. Just yesterday, she'd sat there smiling back at him.
He had not smile back, just gazed sulking out the window. Pushing her away. He got off the bus and remembered her
tentative smile the day before. The last time he saw her, rain flattened her mahogony curls. She had looked so sad
and he did not care. "killed herself, so young, no friends" As he trudged home her voice echoed so faint, from the
day before. "Bye" he had thought he imagined that she had said, "goodbye forever." He'd just shrugged and waved
halfheartedly, and he could see the pain of rejection in her eyes. "killed herself..." He remembered the voice
crackleing of the intercom. "students, I have some terrible news, Anna Carlson, has... Anna Carlson is dead. There
will be a service thisafternoon, that is all" The voice cut off and he hurd the murmurs, "killed herself..."
When he got home, he flopped on the bed. "why do I even care?" he asked out loud, startled by the sound of his
voice. "because you loved her" the voice in his head had whispered. He shook his head. "No." But he knew he was
lieing. "killed herself, so young." He fell into a fretful sleep and her face kept appearing infront of him, rain
soaked, and sad, smiling so hopefully. Why had he not said something, anything. Why had he ignored her, why had he
not cared before? "killed herself, so young. "NO FRIENDS" He sat up in his bed in a cold sweat. He remembered her
last morning, how she had tried to sit next to him, and he had moved to another seat, how crestfallen her face was.
"your fault" the voice wispered. "killed herself, so young, no friends. "Oh god" he thought, it was his fult. He
had been there, watched her, and seen her sadness, her lonliness. Like his own and he did nothing. She tried to get
close, to feel wanted, and he had not allowed her that, had not saved her. "killed herself..." The days blurred and
the empty dest taunted him, day after day, blaming him, forcing him to believe she was gone, but could see her so
clearsy, like she had just left class early, he heard her voice, and saw her smile, sometimes, he even smiled back...
The voice haunted his sleep, sometimes she was there too, smiling and holding his hand, leading him. She always took
him to the cemetary, to the cold gray stone, then dissappeared. Her sadness reappearing as she faded. He always went
with her. When he woke, he would stare sadly at the mirror infront of his bed, he always stared till he saw her face
and then he whispered, "I'm sorry, so so sorry, I did not know I loved you so much, but I could not let myself love you."
Then the sweet illusion would fade, and he would be alone again. "You did not have to be alone, you could have had her."
The voice whispered as he shuddered, again holding back the tears. "killed herself, so young, no friends." "Wow, that
movie was so stupid." she had whispered, he nodded, he agreed with her, and if it were anyone else would have started
joking around, but he let it drop, and he realized it had been there too, the pain. She had been so alone. "killed
herself..." He remembered every day, every conversation, every time he stared at her lips, or listened to her soft voice,
and every time, he pretended she didn't exist. "You should be happy, now you don't have to pretend" the voice mocked him
and he knew it was true. He felt it inside, the heavy cold weight of her loss, how he'd never known her, how he lost his
chance to really love her. "If only I hadn't ignored you, if only I'd answered, if only I'd let myself love you." A tear
rand down his cheek. "Killed herself..." I wish I had told you, wish that I had known, I wish I had realized what you
were to me before... before you died, because of me, because I never knew I loved you... and I loved you to late.