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My dad died awhile ago but I'm just now writing about it. I wish gaia was the way it was back when I first started where people cared more and actually read each others journals. So yeah dad's dead and life seems even more empty and pitiful than before. If I was there for him he would have still been alive today. Don't rely on others, especially when it comes to life or death of something that is very dear to you. I hated and was already so tired of life now it's worse. He was the one person I could count on to try and make things right keeping people in place, even if he didn't do it properly. Why do my half brothers and sisters get more time with him than me? Most of them were much more horrible than I was.

So now I have these days where I get angry and stay that way for awhile for no reason, well there is a reason but its not meant towards anyone but myself. I kept telling dad when he asked me what I wanted of his things for his will I said, "I only want you." Whose false hope of protection do I have now? I want one that can sometimes come through, but no one can replace my father. I guess I'm hiding behind my angry so I don't cry as much. I won't forgive anyone and everyone who let him die, that is who I come to believe, and whoever hurt him and screwed him over. I didn't think I hurt him but I can't say that cause I wasn't there for him to see it. I hurt him a lot even saying sorry to him over and over wasn't good enough for me.

I should have just stayed at home and got yelled at constantly for being lazy and worthless for not having a job and not getting my GED cause I didn't finish high school. Stay and suffer to better the lives of others around me. I was something to kick when down cause I was always down, so that they could lift themselves up. I hate life, always have always will. just more so now. Even my words can't describe how badly I feel or whatever I am. I guess I'm mostly numb. I may seem emo, even if I am I feel like I'm a strong person that has her weaknesses just like everyone. I just can't seem to explode or implode, either I show it to an extreme or I seem that it doesn't phase me.

I loved my dad even though he was a pain in the a** he gave me someone to put my angry on, and he didn't really seem to mind cause we both loved to fight like that. He said not to cry at his funeral, I heard everyone did, I didn't get to go. I got to see him alone later before they cremated him, I didn't cry for along time but close to the end where I had to leave his side I shed one ******** tear and I hated it that I did.

I'm sorry to those who I can't let see me for who I am. I'm sorry that I seem to run away, but I don't, I stay there and repeat the pain over and over in my own mind. I don't even forget what I do to harm those even the littlest thing. Something must be wrong with me because I can't seem to feel good when I try to love someone, So the best thing for me to say to you is that i love you when i am angry or crying i guess. I have problems that I never want to fix.

Sadly, certain people who are mad at me at this time will most likely never read this so they won't get to see a part of me that most don't get to see.

I'm done now. . .