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I don’t understand. I thought that this was going to be the last surgery, but noooo. Its not! I had such high hopes….but now…..those hopes…are gone. Don’t you realize how many times had to have surgery?! Four times! You hear me? Four times! I cannot deal with this anymore. I have to wait another few months, and then poof. Another surgery. Why me?! I’m sick of it. The next surgery…its going to take a month and a half to heal. Why?... Why me? I just wish that this could be over. I wish that I can just give up on my knee. But if I give up, I will end up having arthritis at a young age…and I don’t want that. I long to be free from this. I shouldn’t have joined track. I shouldn’t have done the standing long jump. I feel like if I hadn’t joined track, none of this would have happened. I feel so angry at myself for doing such a stupid thing.
Okay….maybe I’m wrong. Half of me wants to give up, and the other half doesn’t want to give up. I don’t know which side to choose. If I choose to not give up, I will have to go through all that therapy again…and I will be confined to a wheel chair for a month and two weeks. And if I do give up, I will develop arthritis at a young age. What should I do? What should I choose to do? Should I just give up on my knee? Or should I keep trying? I don’t know what to choose. Yes…maybe I should just give up. It….will never work out. Ever. I should just suffer. And besides… I deserve to suffer. I deserve to be in pain. A lot of pain. Why? Because I am a low life sinner. After what I did in December of 2009, I deserve pain.