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I feel I have nothing left to look forward to anymore. When I was in school, I always had the leisurely summer to look forward to. Not anymore. Now I’ll have summers off from college, but I’ll still be working. When I’m done with college, summer will just be like any other season, indistinguishable from any other time of the year. I’ll just be working all the time. I know I need to start looking for a job, but I really don’t want to. I’m going to be working for the rest of my ******** meaningless life. Does this means the monotony of life is really starting now? A lot of people are looking forward to college. Not me. Do you know what college means? It means I thought I was swamped with work in high school, well, just wait. The work will be at least 10 times harder, and I’ll have at least 100 times more of it. I thought I was doing good making it through high school without killing myself, but I think the real challenge is just beginning. My mom keeps telling me that when I get a job and go to school I’ll like it. I’ll meet a lot more people and I’ll make friends and find boyfriends. I think she’s just trying to make me feel better. She hates her job, and I know she’d rather stay at home all day than work. I’ll probably feel this way because, honestly, who really wants to work? Sure, I’ll meet people I work with, but that doesn’t mean I’ll like them and have a jolly old time with them. And I can’t see myself making any strong friendships in college. It’s not like I’m going to be around all the time because I’ll be living there. I’m going to go to my classes and then go home. The only time I’ll socialize with people is when I’m forced to because I’m stuck with them to do a group project. My mom also says I need to join groups or clubs I’m interested in to meet people. Yeah, that would be a good way to meet people, but who says there will be anything I’m interested in to join? Besides, I’ll have a shitload of school work plus a job, when will there be time for clubs? Everyday will probably consist of school, work, sleep, with completing homework thrown into every free space, and not nearly enough of the “sleep” part. And finding a boyfriend? Yeah, right. I wish. I’ll probably be even less approachable, since I’m sure I’ll keep voluntary socializing to a minimum. And who would want to approach me anyways? There’s really nothing super special about me that would make anyone love me. I guess I could have some lovable qualities, but nothing that couldn’t be found in someone else who has even more good qualities, a better personality, and is just all around more fun and cooler. And I’m not even anything to look at, so there’s not even a pretty face to entice them in. If I can’t even get guys to notice me when I have all my makeup on and my hair straightened, when I’m looking my best, who’s going to want to wake up beside me in the morning, when I’m at my worst? Maybe I could find someone if a really settle, but even though someone would have to settle for me, I just don’t want to settle. I can’t help wanting someone who I mesh with personally, but also love to look at their handsome face. But I know I’m not going to get that combo.

Thinking ahead to college also makes me think back to high school. Everyone always says “Don’t rush these times. They’ll be the best part of your life.” What if they really are? What if the best part of my life just passed, and I didn’t even enjoy it? If that was the best part, then the rest of my life will be comparable to climbing a mountain of made of s**t. I feel so unfulfilled by high school. I don’t have any friends I’m super close with, that I feel our friendship will last. Pretty much everyone I met has disappointed me in some way. No one ever wanted me to do anything with them. The last time I did something outside of school with someone was a haunted house at Halloween, and that girl didn’t invite me to do anything with her again (not that I wanted to though). And I can’t even remember that last time I did something on the weekend before that. I couldn’t even get a prom date. There were girls I thought were weirder and uglier there with dates. And usually people can at least go with a friend. I even asked one of my guy friends, and they didn’t even have the courtesy to let me know either way. They just left me with an “I don’t know if I’m going.” So I’m the loser who can’t even get a friend to go with them. Even academically I feel unfulfilled. Sure, I graduated number three in my class, but I was number two since freshman year. I couldn’t even hold on to the salutatorian spot. If my school wouldn’t have done “Top 10,” I wouldn’t even have been recognized. And even though I busted my a** all four years, I only got one $500 scholarship. I just feel like I did it all for nothing. I keep hoping my mom’s right, and that through either college or work I can meet some people that I can truly care about, and them care about me, and I can find something to make me feel fulfilled, but I’m not holding my breath.