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I feel a bit empty, knowing that I shouldn't. I had a full day of activities yesterday; worked an 8 hour shift for the first time in about two months, and yet I feel slightly deflated in spirit. I blame it partially on my dreams. They are in full colour, and they felt so real. It made me feel complete in a way, and to wake up from it all abruptly was depressing.

It was only a dream, but it felt like it happened only yesterday.

I'm stupid for feeling this way, but I do anyway regardless. Its going to be my fall and no one else's. Even if I succeed, my mother believes that I will throw it away. The thrill of the chase, and I think she is right. If something eludes me, I must attain it to know that I can do it, once that is done I let it go.

But can I do this with human emotions? My emotions even. I doubt I can, I've done it with other things, but never someone's heart.

I hate him. I hate the people who kept mentioning him to me. I was over my childish feelings, I could look him in the face and feel nothing. Its all because of those devious little demons that this little spark has turned into a little flame again. I don't want it, but at the same time I do. I want this empty feeling to fade, the urge to fill up my electon shell, if you will.

But I still hate him.

I hate how he looks at me and doesn't say anything, its annoying. If he has anything to say to me, he needs to say it. Thats always been a pet peeve of mine. I have to remain civil while at work, maintain decent relationships between co-workers.

How can I maintain one if my co-workers are pushing me towards another one?

If it ever comes down to me getting an opening to be happy, I'm going to take it. Even if its for a little while.

I still hate him.