|
|
|
My mind works in a strange way. I'm not sure if other people do this, but I do. Almost all the time. I don't think people have ever noticed, but I constantly try to improve my personality. Some people tell me not to change, but...I can't help it. It's just who I am. I don't know if I'm actually "improving", but I'm trying. Because I want to be that kind of person that no one can say a wrong thing about.
I know I have flaws. I know I will always have flaws. I don't want to be perfect. I don't want to be better than everyone else. I would just die inside if that happened. But...I want to help people. I want to do great things. I want to change the world.
I want to be the kind of person that someone will look to me for help. Not because I want the fame, but because I want the person to be helped. I want to be the kind of person that when someone describes me, they'll call me "sweet". Not "nice". But "sweet". They'll say that you can trust me with your life. That I'll never say a word against you. That I'll stay with you and be loyal to you until the end. That I'm generous, and I'll never do something that would benefit me and me only. That I'm fun to be around, and you can tell me anything. That I'll never judge you. I'll never think badly of you, no matter what you did.
I wish I could be that person. I know I'm not. But I wish.
I don't want to be a freak. I've been called one. To my face and behind my back. I want that to go away. I want people to see what I'm really thinking. What I wish I could do for them. What I would be willing to do for them.
I've thought about it...a lot. I've said that I'd take a bullet for someone. For anyone. Would I really? If it comes right down to it, I don't know. Maybe later I might wish I had. But my mind shuts down in cruel situations. I don't think I'd step in front of the person to take a hit. But I think if someone gave me time to think about it, I'd do just about anything to keep them safe. But why? Does it even matter? Situations don't happen like that very often. I guess it's the thought that counts.
Your life is worth more than mine. No, I'm not saying I'm insignificant. I'm not saying you're better than me. I feel that everyone is equal. But I feel that you have more of a right to live than I do. I'm not sure why. It just makes so much sense to me that if I had to choose, I should be the one dying, and not you. I should be the person with cancer. I should be the person that got hit head-on by a drunk driver. I should've been in that plane crash. I should've drowned in that lake. I should've been the one that was orphaned. The one that got their heart broken. The one that ended up on the street. I wish I could be the person that took it all for you. I wish that was possible. I wish people knew that.
They might think I'm lying. Or maybe that I'm just...well, a freak. Maybe I am. No...I know I am. But I want to be more than that. I want to be better. I want to be something the world has never seen. I want to change everyone's perspectives. I want them to look at me and say, "I wish I had a mind like hers." But I need to have a good mind first. I need to wash it, clean it, perfect it. Take out the old things like grief and pain. Put in new things like love and understanding.
When you look at a tree, what do you see? You see bark, leaves, branches. I see art. I see emotion. I see music. I see something beautiful that God made and put right there in front of my eyes so I could feel it grow. I wish I was a tree. It would be bliss. I could live for hundreds of years, just watching the world turn around me. Trees are a tangible peace. So why does the world enjoy knocking them down?
I want to be like that. I want to help people see. Feel. I want to smile at everything good. I want to laugh at everything bad. I want to laugh at death. I want my last words to make someone grin, right before I die. I want to be happy in this world. I want to make people happy in this world. The world is cruel. It's difficult. I want to be the person to help people see through it. When the sky is raining ash and the bodies of innocent children are scattered across a blood-soaked earth, I want to be able to make someone smile.
Will it happen? I'm not sure. But I want to try. I want to do my best. I want people to think of me as out of my mind, but in the end, they'll say, "That girl knew exactly what she was talking about."
 Singing Seraph · Tue Aug 10, 2010 @ 07:28pm · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
