You know what's weird? Have you ever sat back and went through a mental list of all the people in your life and come to the realization how incredibly alone you are? I mean I cannot even come close to feeling any connection between my family and I. Most of them I cannot stand, no offense but its the truth. And yes, I do have my friends ( Best friends in fact ) But its almost like the lonleyness is apart of me. Just like everyone has their own hair color, personality, etc. It is almost like Being lonley is just apart of who I am. It doesn't matter who I am with and if I am laughing or crying- i will always have that part of me. Lonleyness.
When people talk about their soulmates I can't help but wonder to myself, ' Was I put on this earth to just be alone? ' I mean it would make more sense as to why I can't seem to open up to others and maybe I would be better off that way. Lonleyness has never bothered me the way it does others. Infact, Being alone is the only thing I am good at and for some reason, internally, deep down within myself I don't want to break down that barrier. I don't WANT to let anyone one. And for those who just keep trying ( I think you know who you are) Who make it their quest to try and hunt me down and take me apart piece by piece and almost examine me? Stop. I don't mind if I ask for your advice/ you help just that once but once is good enough for me. Do not keep trying to break me down and force me to pour out everything to you- Because I won't. Digging up things makes me feel worse. Talking to people who do not understand and act as though they understand make me feel soo much worse. I hate it and it isn't fair.
I never asked for people to sympathize for me- and why should they? People out there have it sooo much worse off then I do and yet I hate how I still have so much to complain about. Then again- I am not complaining but giving you a taste of reality and who I really am. I bet you weren't expecting that- huh? I can't begin to describe to you how different I am from my appearance. How I am underneath that fake 'school-picture' smile. Even when I cry I seem to be lying. A few tears cannot sum up what I am or could be. Deep down I am sobbing hysterically and pounding my fists against the floor until i felt blood. Thats how I am on the inside. I try soo hard to ignore this constant nagging and TRY and act so confident. But my own internal lying can only go so far before touching the end. Then I crash and fall and *poof* I am just back to where I started.
Stupid, alone, and never allowed to open up. But now the question is why don't I want to be figured out? Why do I have such great pleasure being the worst sort of mystery and despise it when people try and interogate and ask me stupid questions. I feel as though I am on a made up drug and am constantly having emotional swings. Different times bring different thoughts.
When I make characters up for my stories I can relate to each and everyone. Almost like I put a piece of me into each of my characters- Which explains why I prefer certain characters above others.
Well I think I've finished blabbering on and on like some sort of ninny =P Bye for now~!
wintasagittaire Community Member 
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