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on the verge of tears right now.

1. because hormones dictate that once a month i want to bawl my eyes of over everything, and

2. I am quite stressed.

why, you ask?



... got my first acceptance letter today. From Dordt. in all other occasions, that would be a totally epic thing and i'd be bouncing off the walls, but at this point i'm so confused about where i want to go and what i want to do that i just don't wanna deal with this s**t anymore. didn't like northwestern, really hoping Bethel pulls through. I know Kent is going there, and Ramee is definitely looking into going there, too...........

crying

added onto the fact that today i took the rest (?) of my senior pictures, i feel really old. and blah. they turned out really good, but now i have to go back through the 800+ and find a few that i could stand being looked at for the next 30 years in the hallways. but Jennifer's being a dear about it, and even went so far as to print off a page of her favorites (i should scan it...) for me to look at after we were done.

Youth group bonfire (and senior pic) timing was epic. it rained in the morning, then i had pics (perfect weather), then it rained on the way home, and it let up in time for the bonfire and hayride (omg sooo many dirty jokes afterwards it was very awkward when Cory and Stacey walked up... xD), and it started pouring again just as we were wrapping up.



where am I going to college? what do i want to do with the rest of my life? now i gotta deal with housing and scholarships and all that worrisome stuff.......

mom says i shouldn't even apply to NWC now that i've visited and don't like it. but maybe it was just the tour guide wasn't very good...?? the individualized ones are better, but i don't think in this instance that it would've made much of a difference. I like that it was a Bible-thumping school, just not the fact that it's SHOVED down your throat and you have no choice in the matter.

also on that visit i sat in on my first college class. was a total shocker, actually... for some reason i was under the (stupid) impression that once you hit college, everything was fixed. there weren't any more cliques, no more social classes, and people were suddenly smart.

boy was I wrong. In college, there are still the preps who know nothing about anything, the football players who nervously laugh and act like, well, football players, the nobodies that lurk in the shadows, and the nerds who, quite frankly, just get even scarier. and not a single one of them knows anything about basic schoolwork. (sat in on a communications class & they were preparing a persuasive speech... for some reason the girl next to me was going to talk about how we shouldn't use food as fuel and keep using fossil fuels... *facepalmsmear*)

*big sigh*

i just don't know what to do. i'm sick of everything right now. i don't feel the need to do anymore google searching/comparing of colleges, and i haven't even played piano for weeks.


... no wait, that's a lie. i played for like 5 minutes last night and it just wasn't working. i do not feel like playing, and i get absolutely no pleasure from it, especially when i don't know what to play and when i finally figure out what i want to play i can't find it. =/ and by the time i find it, it's just toooooo much effort.

it's like art class used to be. it was just really draining and even though i knew that i liked what i was doing and i knew i was doing a good job, my heart just wasn't in it so every ounce of (what was left of) my being was poured into every project, which frankly left me absolutely exhausted.

and it isn't even worth it. nothing is.

maybe all that my life will end up being is cleaning poop off of toilets and going to Ridge and working part time at Q102 (Mary Elin kinda offered me a halfway job there if i went/go to Ridge... hah) for the rest of my life. =/ sitting here, miserable, knowing that i should be doing something amazing and living the life I've been dreaming of on the west coast.

life's just been weird lately. just think, by May at the latest all of this will be taken care of, and my future (whatever it is) will be secured.

but all I can do now is pray that I make the right decision.