This isn't some suicidal tendency or some random thought, mind you. It's a stroke of honesty that I'm experiencing with myself, because I think it needs to be said.
I'm afraid of life. As far as I'm concerned, I use it for entertainment purposes only, but I don't really value it. And I think it'll be a relief when I don't have to do it anymore. When it's finally over. I think I'll be relieved, and maybe I'll even relax a bit.
It's sad to think that I actually don't want to live. It feels wrong to me, somehow. Like I shouldn't. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I belong somewhere else. I know that it's stupid, and if I ever told it to Alex, he'd probably be mad at me. But I don't value my life. It's not worth anything to me. That doesn't mean that I'm going to go off and kill myself, but maybe it helps you guys understand why I act the way I do. It's all for entertainment. If I get bored, then I find a way to keep myself busy or entertained. I want to have fun in my life, but I don't want to do anything risky. I don't want to go skydiving or shark wrestling or punch a bear in the nose or ride motorcycles or anything. I don't want to get hurt. I just want to sit, wait, laugh when people please me, and see how long I can go for.
I don't know why. I just don't enjoy life all that much. What fun is it, really? It's boring. It's stressful. I have to find ways to keep myself entertained. I just... don't enjoy it. Not right now, anyway. Not recently.
And it doesn't help that my mother pretty much threatened me with being raped my whole life. That if I didn't make the right choices, or if I wasn't careful, or if I was even alone for too long, some man would come and kidnap me and rape me and leave me dead in a ditch. Those were her exact words. And that's not exactly what a seven year old girl wants to hear.
Okay, this whole thing doesn't make sense anymore. Not even to me. I don't know what I mean, okay? So don't judge me for it. But... What it boils down to is that life is for entertainment purposes only for me. That's an idea that's been very concrete for me for the last two years. And I'm scared of doing anything risky, thanks to my mother. That one's always been there.
No, it doesn't make sense. But we all have crazy moments that we just can't quite make sense of. Don't we?
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Mental Cesspool
All the little thoughts, problems, and concerns that I may be dealing with at any given time, spread out for the internet to see.
Community Member
If you did want to do those things.. wouldn't that mean you didn't value your life? Those types of activities just make me think of negligent people.
Maybe it's because you don't know where your life is going and everyday is the same thing? Do you want something to live for ?
(answer this in a pm lol)