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i guess since its the holiday-before-the-holiday im supposed to be happy...its not happening...
those old suicidal thoughts only come back and linger in my mind. i feel selfish, speaking and voicing my own thoughts instead of focusing in the troubles of others. i was taught to put my-self last and all others first...but...its destroying me on the inside...and all i can do is write and put my own superficial issues into a fictional person. i sit in the dark typing this. amist my family who push me aside and dont think twice where i had gone, unless some labor that they did not want to be bothered with needed doing.
Washing the dishes while my family enjoyed each-other's company made me realise what i had always knew deep inside...no one cares if im here or not...no body...not my "friends" who are only around because they can gain something out of it, and toss me aside without the least bit of remorse. not my classmates who call me weired and crazy in the midst of my trying to hide 15 years of hurt and pain. not mu mother who, despite all my efforts, cares not for the acheivemtnts i make, but instead spends her time critisizing all that i do. not the neighbors who heard my cries that faithful day, but did nothing to help. not the b*****d who took all i had left in me away. after so long, i grew hatred for any and all. dis-trust seemed to be my gardian...but...after all thats happend to me, i found two who understand me. two of whom i can come to at anytime and instantly feel better. the first is my sole-passion, the pencil and his lover, paper. without them, my life would have been cut short. i would have left this place a long while ago. the second is my love, Vincent. i have never trusted someone as i have trusted him. in truth, i trust him with my life more than i trust my-self, and if it were up to me, we would be together. but of course. its impossible for someone as young as me to experince real love.

but whatever.
i guess what im trying to say is that im thankful that i dont have to put up with the bull sh*t that is my friends and family for to much longer.