- My take on life and my undoing
So today I got hired for a job. The place is really nice. The people are really nice too. And it seems like an awesome job. My mom said I should be proud that they hired me, that they like me, and that after my other internship ended I managed to bag a job so fast. It is very impressive that I've done that, yes. I am surprised someone would want me. I have a s**t personality, I hate everything and the only reason they hired me was because of web work I've done a year + ago and a fake a** nice personality. Do you want to know why they hire people? Because they can bullshit that niceness.
Don't let them know the real you and you're fine. You know what I hate the most? Just that. I hate how I have to pretend I like things. I hate how I have to lie to my mom and say that I like web design and web s**t just so that when I get job opportunities like this one, she thinks it makes me happy and is happy in return. It annoys me because I can literally see myself out of body pretending to like all of this stuff just to please everyone else. And I know it's bad but I do it anyway.
Today when I got home I broke down a lot. There are so many things that go into this its not even funny. I need a whole new wardrobe, I need a new bag; basically I have to strip myself of anything I am and, once again, pretend to be something I am not. I thought 3 days a week for my other internship was bad enough and that was with me being able to s**t around on Gaia the whole work day. Now I have to spend 4 days a week working x amount (subject to change with every day .__.) hours without being able to even use the internet or so.
I wonder if a person can die by mentally smothering themselves really. I can see myself in five years being as miserable as a human can possibly be. And that is under the assumption that I haven't committed suicide before then. I see nothing great about this opportunity aside from the money. All I see is myself fading away to be another faceless person who can't even express themselves or hold any sort of identity at all. I feel like everything I am is being taken away from me and it's really pissing me off.
