Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Right now I'm sitting infront of my computer screen. I just finished listening to the anime Five Centimeters per Second in Japanese for the umpteenth time. I really like the movie, the music is beautiful and the backgrounds are amazing. I've been writing part two of my AP Literature book report, with about four more papers to write, that doesn't even include the character anylysises yet. I'm really panicking.

Yesterday I got my hair cut, I really like it, it's nice. When I woke up today, my pony tail had fallen out. My hair's too short to stay in one properly now. It's not super short, just short enough.

I'm writing this right now because I don't know where else to put it. I don't have a journal, I've never bothered keeping one. This is simply for me to get this heaviness out of my heart.

Next week I start school again, my senior year of highschool. I decided to write this before I started my senior year, just because. No real big reason, just to see how much I change by the end of it.

It hit me today, as I watched the last little part of 5cm/Sec.

I'm returning to my school of the last two years, going on my third. It's strange, how I'm still here. At the mention of school starting, I get a tight knot in my stomach. I'm always nervous about starting things, even drawings. What if things don't go as planned? I always worry when they're going to end because I don't want things to.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this before the end of highschool rather than at the actual end. Because I want to remember how I felt at the beginning, the happiness that it's still before me.

I've never had this joy before, the ability to stay in one place where things are familiar to me. I've moved around so often. The longest I stayed in one town was five years, but they ended in such a confusing way. Everything was unsettled after that, and I have a feeling that they always were.

Now though, I feel strange because things are so stagnent. I have close and loving friends whom I can see and talk to. Maybe that's why I'm always hugging you, because I know there will come a day when I can no longer see you, even talk to you. Maybe you'll become black letters on a computer screen, maybe you'll stay in my mind simply until I myself can't believe you've ever existed.

That's probably why I hate pictures too. They just remind me that you do exist, that I'm not losing my mind by missing you so much, it's something everyone goes through. I hate to remember, I almost don't want to...

But at the same time, I want to keep things that remind me of you, so that I know that I'm not crazy.
But I feel like that sometimes.

To be very honest, I don't even know who 'you' is. It's everybody that I've loved in my life. It's you, who are reading this, it's the you who doesn't remember me, it's the you who can't be bothered to finish this, it's everyone I've seen, heard, laughed with...

That's probably why I feel so weird about this. I'm not moving on. I've stayed still for almost three years. The thought of having to move on in a matter of months now, it has me worried. I wonder if maybe I've gotten too used to it, because I'm not terribly afraid of moving on to college.

I'm looking forward to it.

I know I'm going to miss everyone, but, I always miss someone. I count on the feeling of missing you, the deep hole in my chest that I can physically feel dropping everytime I finish watching that movie. It motivates me, it makes me want to become someone in the world, so that when you look at the T.V., maybe you'll miss me too.

When you read my book, maybe you'll remember me.
Or when you watch my animated film.
Or even when you look at pie. Will you think of me? Just like when I see people together, I'll think of you?

I'm looking forward to graduation this year, I really think that now, I'm okay with growing up.
I've decided to be okay with loosing people.

It's how we all grow up, we have to learn from our experiences.
Sometimes, I don't want to, but I do in the end. I hold onto old memories, remember the sadness of loving you once, and then turn back to my stories. I can write out the rest of my loving you in them, and turn away forever, closing my story I've penned down, successfully finishing the story of our lives together.

Maybe that's why I always write stories with my friends in them, so that when I loose them, I can read my story and remind myself that we've already reached our happy endings. Maybe that's why I feel I can let go of people, because I know that they've already forgotten me, because I've written the rest of our story and it's over.

Like closing a book, you want to know the rest, but you know it's done.

Dear you, who ever happens to be reading this.

I love you, very much. And I know you'll make it in life.
I know that you'll make me proud, I'll take pride in your achievements by knowing I was a part of making you into who you are.
I don't know how I'm going to do that, make you into you, but I'll give it my best try.

I know that you'll make it!
And I'll miss you very much.

To my senior year in highschool,
I say, thank you for helping me grow up.

This year, it's a journey, a journey to say good bye ❤